Monday, July 25, 2011

It's been a while

I haven't written on this blog in months.  And I was kind of surprised when I peeked in to see what was happening.  I haven't even checked the email.

Yes, I've been on hiatus.

We have had our ups and downs.

And I'd needed to have some time to myself to sort it all out.

My man cheated.  Correction.  He tried to cheat.  It was a fuck buddy he'd had for years.  And I was devastated.  He was pleased with himself.  He hadn't been able to get it up, so in his mind...not a cheat.  That she spent FOREVER blowing him and trying to get him ready...didn't count.

Only I was pretty sure it would have counted if it had been the other way around.  And I didn't know how to get past it.  I didn't know how to get through this.  I didn't even want to be with him anymore at that point.  Forget about all our hopes and dreams.  It was too much.

We split up.  He went to stay with his father.  I was going to stay at the house until my tax return would afford me more options.  After a few days he came back. He missed his things.  And in reality, he missed me.  I knew it.  Still it wasn't enough.

We talked.  We always had that going for us.  Only I couldn't handle being with him.  I couldn't handle the life he seemed to want.

All I ever wanted was to be enough.  I wanted to be the only woman he wanted and loved.  I wanted to be it for him.  In my mind...I wasn't.

He had to convince me otherwise.  He tried.  Really hard.  I would try to come around a little.  There were conditions.  I had to know that the other girls were gone.  I had to be enough.

We're healing.  We're getting there.  Our sex life needs work.  It was best when we were going through our sexploration.  Now, however, he is so focused on getting ahead and making money that we don't connect the same way we have in the past.

And I realized that I am different for him.  Sex isn't a big deal to him.  It isn't deep and meaningful.  For him, the closeness he has with me, being able to hold me, the way he kisses me, that matters.  So, I shouldn't complain.  But sometimes I do.  I want it all.

I want marriage.  I want our baby.  I want an incredible sex life and a forever relationship. 

We're getting closer...