On the road to recovery: the beginning

So, I posed the question, wondering what it would take for us to be better.  And even while I was thinking out loud, I knew.  I needed the closeness back.  You can't get any closer than sharing your body with someone. 

He asked me to help him create a To Do list the other night.  He hates forgetting anything that he has to do.  And I gladly obliged.  I like feeling useful.  The list was rather mundane.  Call this person.  Follow up on that.  Go here.  Do that.  And finally, I added an item of my own.  I couldn't wait for him to read it.

My item:  Come home and make mad passionate love to Lexi.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.  Only we didn't really see each other until 8pm the other night.  And we both had to work in the morning.  And he admitted that, although he had seen it, it probably wouldn't happen.  So, I covered my disappointment as best I could.

me: That's okay.  Just holding me will be enough.

And I mostly meant it.

We drank a little and hung out in the man cave while he gathered together the tools of his trade for the next day.  I was staring at the pool table.  I remembered when he bought it.  We were dating, but not living together.  We had spent an afternoon shopping for it.  And then he called me when the salesman called to let him know we could have a different color of felt if we wanted.

I was surprised when he asked what I wanted.  Only, whether he realizes it or not, he's been including me in on all the big decisions of his life for as long as he's known me.  And we agreed on a color for the felt, just like we agreed that we needed to break the pool table in together.

The first night that he had it, after the guys had gone home after playing on it, we closed the garage door and got down and dirty.  By the time we were done, if you looked closely, you could see boob prints and butt prints and hand prints all over the felt.  It was awesome.  It made me laugh every time I saw it.  Because no matter how diligently he brushed it, our impressions lingered in the felt, just as we have a way of lingering on each other.

I asked a question. 

me: Truth.

man: Oh, not that game.

me: Nope.  Just truth.

He sighed in worry.

man: What?

me: Have you ever done anyone else on this table?  I just need to know if I have to pay to have the felt changed RIGHT NOW.

We've had our ups and downs.  He has been with others when we were on breaks.  I had, too.

man: No.  Never.

I smiled.  That was something.  It was a start.

What will it take?

This is what I ask myself.

What will it take for us to be okay again?

See, I have an eye for details, the kind of deeply honed attention that can only have developed from years of being cheated on.  Yes, I'm not proud.  I stayed too long in my first marriage.  And now I'm deeply damaged.

So, when I returned home today and discovered that there was no history on my computer, but that Craigslist was open, I knew he had enjoyed some solo happy time.  And I resent that, since we haven't had sex since the half-hearted make-up sex on Sunday night.  And I know that he used the newest masturbator that he loves so much.  I was clued in to that first by the laundry basket that was sitting askew on our toy chest, and then by the water dripping from his toy.

No, I don't miss much.  Hell, I don't miss anything.  Unfortunately, I have years of practice.  Too many years.  And now, I don't ask.  And I've warned him that when I do ask, I usually already know the answer, so he best not try to lie to me.

And I worry that these learned behaviors may sabotage our future and our happiness.  I worry that these analytical behaviors that have me second guessing everything may ruin us.  Still, I don't know how to stop.  I don't know how to let go.

At the same time, all I need to be okay with us again is for him to haul me into his arms, kiss me passionately, or ask me to have sex.  Any kind of sex.  I need the closeness.  I need to feel him in me.  I need to hear his breathing, see his face, watch his expressions.  God, I love that.  I know him well enough now to anticipate the reactions and recognize when he's close.

Part of the problem may be that my emotions are a bit on over drive.  I'm late.  Yes, that late.  It could be stress.  God knows we've been under enough of it.  And it could be nothing.  Still, we've talked about having a baby...maybe even babies.  And I kind of want it to be something.  At the same time, the timing...not great.

Think of me.

I know

I should have posted yesterday.  I couldn't.

I really had nothing to write about.  Sure, there was a little half-hearted make-up sex.  It was a lot like the half-hearted make-up.  In fact, after the other day, I'm not sure we're going to make it.

There's a lot I haven't told you about my man.  There's a lot I haven't told anyone, as a matter of fact.  Ah, but the anonymity this blog provides...definitely allows me the opportunity to vent.

I think it's safe to say this will be my least sexy post EVER.  Sorry for that.

Here goes.  My man is a bit of a drinker.  It has never been a real issue.  He's not abusive, exactly.  He's normally pretty fun and super affectionate.  And for someone like me who craves the TLC, I like when he has a nice buzz going.

Well, his last buzz started on Thursday and ended rather badly Sunday night.  Yes, the night after Christmas.  Only, the trouble didn't start at home.  Nope, we had problems when we went sledding.  It all started because I didn't want to go.  And if I had to go, I didn't want to participate.  I love sledding, but there is a limit to the weather I will participate in said event in.  Trust me, too cold.

That's when he announced on the top of the hill that we were through.  Yes, because I wouldn't sled.  Then he announced we were leaving and he was moving in with his father.  All because I was cold.  About then he rushed down the hill and wiped out in the parking lot.  It was ugly.  His side is purple and scraped.  That really didn't help his mood.

We came home and he told me to get out.  I told him I couldn't until my taxes arrived.  It is his house.  The night only grew worse from there.  He called his father and asked if he could move in.  His father spoke with me and knew that his son was over-reacting about something.

me: It's because I wouldn't sled.

And so he went to bed.  After being really ugly.  He lost his phone.  I took his keys.  (He had threatened to drive.)  He woke up a few hours later and was busy looking for his phone, still pissed off.  I waited it out an hour before he calmed down enough to speak to me.

He claims he wants us to stick it out.  He claims he wants to at least give it a go until my tax return arrives.  He claims that by then we will have worked through this.  All will be well.

Ah, but I was sober.  I remember everything.  EVERYTHING.  I will remember that he told me we weren't a good couple, that he wasn't attracted to me, that the lack of attraction was the reason for the porn and the attempt at threesomes.  I will remember that he thinks I am the reason he isn't with his ex, the one he believed he loved.  (Long story.  Maybe tomorrow and you can be the judge...jury, and executioner.)  I will remember that he said nothing between us mattered, that I'm only reasonably attractive, all of that and more.

I know that in order for things to work, I have to forgive and forget.  The forgiving is easier than the forgetting.  I worry that I will get to the point that I wear my hurt around my heart to protect it.  That's what happened with my ex.  And from there we were doomed.  Years of hurt make it really difficult to reach the heart.

He told me he loves me.  He told me that he doesn't want me to move out.  He reminded me that he's damaged, that he's giving me the best he's got.  Still, I wonder if that is enough.  Because today, it isn't.  Today, when I'm walking on egg shells, I'm not getting anywhere near enough.

And I wonder if I should stay or if I should go.  And I hate being this close to a new year and having so much up in the air.  And I wish that I were more settled, without actually settling.

So...unexpected

I watched him hobble into the house after working.  He was stiff and sore all over.  On the way home he had completed some work related errands.  I had dinner taken care of, but even that didn't seem to revive him.

man: I'm really sore.

me: I can tell.

And I rather gave up on the idea of us having any sexy time that evening.  We went about our business.  We visited with friends and neighbors.  We did some computer work.  It was our average evening at home.

Only as we lay there snuggling on the lounge chair, he suddenly looked at me and spoke the words I longed to hear.

man: I know you want to try the cock ring.  We can do it, if you'll do all the work.

All I heard was that I got top.  Yay!

So while he puttered around in the kitchen, I went to our toy chest and pulled out the cock ring.  I paused for a moment.  And then I grabbed the lube, the new masturbator, and a new movie, too.  I came back to the bedroom feeling mighty triumphant.  It must have showed.  He laughed when he saw me.

man: Oh, I tried that out today.

He pointed at the masturbator.

me: Without me?  Did you finish?

man: Who starts and doesn't finish?

It's nice having him share everything with me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel betrayed when he has these moments that don't involve me.  I haven't had to take care of myself in so many weeks that I almost can't remember.  We've been so into it all together.  And I wonder if he'd feel the same way if I told him I had left him out.

So, I took off his pants and began working the cock ring onto him.  He had warned me, but it was obvious, the man needed to shave.  Badly.  Huh.  He's never really been lax in that department before.  I'm guessing too tired...although he seemed to muster the energy to masturbate.

And let me tell you, that cock ring hits me in all the right spots.  He isn't feeling it as much as he would like, so I'm guessing there will be more cock rings in a future purchase.  (The one I really wanted was on back order until after the holidays.  And I just didn't want to wait that long.)

It doesn't matter.  We like variety.  We're having a lovely time trying these things together.  Life is good.  And the sex...spectacular.

**Here's a tip: Don't be afraid to use a little lube to get the cock ring on.  And don't wait for him to be fully erect to get it on or it will be a real challenge.

The fun has arrived!

And he's not in a very fun mood.

How do I know?

Well, I texted him a picture of all the new toys and movies.  He didn't even respond.  And when he came home, he set his water jug right next to all the new toys.  And he didn't even notice.

me: Okay, I guess I'll put our new toys away in the chest...

man: What toys?  Oh, they came.  Where are they?

So, I walked him, rather indulgently, into the kitchen where I had them all displayed.  He opened some of the packages.  And he looked at everything.  And he didn't seem interested.

Oh, well.  Apparently we're not going to have the sexcapade I had envisioned.  *sniffle  sniffle*  I had been picturing it for so long.  He had seemed pretty intrigued, too.

Needless to say, I will have to tell you some other time about how we liked the new vibrating cock ring.  It's his first.  And I'll have to tell you later about the new warming lube, the new masturbator, the new movies, my first remote controlled bullet, and all the other goodies they crammed into our mailbox.

Again, I expect I will have nothing but lovely things to say about Adam & Eve.  They spoil me.  It should be illegal to get so much great stuff for so little money.  Check them out.  You won't be disappointed.

Question 205

It's a slow night.  (We work.  We can't do it ALL the time.)

Time to reach into my bag of tricks and answer another question from The Book of Questions: Love and Sex.  I like things that make me think.  And this one really caught my eye.

Question 205:   What is the most unpleasant sexual experience you can recall?  In what ways do you think this experience has had a positive influence on your life?  a negative influence?

I suppose I'm lucky.  I don't really have a lot of negative sexual experiences.  I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I don't just sleep with anyone.  I'm reasonably selective.  There have been lots of guys that I could have slept with and didn't.

What I discovered early on was that the experiences I regretted were the ones that I didn't really intend to happen.  It wasn't that I would consider these situations to be those akin to date rape.  It's more like I was too shy to say 'no.'  I was too worried about being liked to protest.  And in those situations, the guys didn't really care if I was enjoying myself.

So, I learned to pick my partners better.  I learned to be a better lover so that the men I was with were better lovers as well.  I learned to speak up more.  I learned to say 'no.'  And now, with my man, I've become even more vocal.  I've learned to share what I like and what I want.  It makes a world of difference.


Okay, I fessed up.  Now your turn.

The best way to go to bed early

Sunday night my man was tired.  As well he should have been.  We had a really busy weekend.  We were both feeling it.

We planned to be in bed for the night by 10:30pm, which is really early for us.  Only by 9pm, he was struggling to stay awake.  I was mildly disappointed.  I have trouble falling asleep if I go to bed too early.  And there is nothing more frustrating than lying in bed waiting to be overcome with sleep.

We went through our normal ritual.  There was teeth brushing and undressing.  There was picking a show to watch while we fell asleep.  And there was sex.

Oh, yeah, I was surprised, too.  Even more, I am surprised that it has become something of our ritual.  I'm thrilled with our loving, passionate sex life.

Suddenly, he's a fan of lube.  Suddenly, we have almost nightly sex.  Suddenly, he is embracing talking dirty.  (He's getting better.)

See, I love words.  They are my crack.  And I love when he talks to me about the many sexual acts he wants to perform with me, or imagines sharing with me and our third.  I can almost get off on the words alone.  (He has a great voice.)

So he told me how he might want to just sit back and watch me with the other girl for a while.  He told me how he might want to titty fuck her.  He told me he might want to hit it from the back while I ate her out.  (I have a lot to learn...)

And I rode him while he talked.  And then I had a long powerful orgasm, the kind that can really help a girl sleep, the kind that turns your legs to jelly while your inner thighs ache.  Oh so good!

An hour and a half after we went into the bedroom, I passed out with his leg slung over me, loved and warm.  Nothing could have beaten that.

How to handle morning wood

I always wake up before my man.  He's a sleeper, more of a night person.  Still, he woke with a huge
erection.

me: I can take care of that for you.

man: How?  You already showered.

me: So, I don't mind cleaning up again for that...

man: No, it's okay.

And yet as time went on while we talked, it became evident that he really needed some release.  He was edgy and pressed against his hard on, or even grabbed it.

me: That's it.

And I removed my jeans and wiggled out of my black nylon boy shorts.  He watched expectantly as I came over to him and pulled back the blanket.

man: What are you doing?

me: Taking care of you.

In seconds, I had him in my mouth and I was using my hands.  I was determined to get him off.

man: That's good.  Just like that.

I told him recently that I really like his instructions and feedback.  We're so much happier in the bedroom now that we communicate and tell each other what pleases us.

Soon enough he was coming in my mouth.  Like the good girl I am, I swallowed.  Yeah, I know how to take care of my man.

A new kind of first

I am always up to try new things.  And this may sound really strange, but I've always wanted to hold it for him while he pees.

So, it's not terribly sexy, but I'm a girl.  I don't have a penis.  They are an object of deep fascination for me.  And so, I have at times, offered to help him pee.

It has taken so many stages.

First, he couldn't even pee with me in the same room.

Then, after some time living together, he managed it. 

So, to me, the next logical step would be to let me hold it.  (I never want us to number two in the same room.  I have my limits.  And some things should be left to the imagination.)

Last weekend, in a moment of absolute bravery, he offered to let me hold it.  And it went horribly wrong.  Pee on the walls.  Pee on the cabinet.  Pee on the floor.  Thank God, he was able to stop mid-stream or I can only imagine how much worse it could have been.

Then, last night, he decided to brave it again.

man: Don't pinch it.

me: I'm not pinching it.

man: You're pinching it.  Like this.

And he showed me how to hold it.  Who knew, but with his body in my way, I'm a lefty!

Then he gave me a key piece of information our last attempt lacked.

man: Now watch out.  It's going to kick up when I start.

Ah ha!  Guess what?  I did it!  Success.  Pee...in the TOILET! 

man: Remember.  Only shake it twice.  More than that and you're playing with it.

Damn.  Oh, but I still plan on playing with it later.  Heh heh heh.

Question 118

This comes from The Book of Questions: Love & Sex by Gregory Stock, ph.d.

I thought I might mix things up and take some inspiration from a book that is supposed to be a conversation started for couples.  Early in my relationship with my ex-husband, I would try to talk with him using this book.  It never really worked.  And so this book sat around collecting dust for many years.  Just the other day, however, I found it and dusted it off.

My man and I can talk about anything.  I think we'll have lots of fun with this book.  And soon.

In the meantime, I'll share these questions and my responses with you so that you can enjoy them, too.  (And maybe you'll want to use them with someone special...)


Now the question:

When and where did you lose your virginity?  Since then, what has been the longest time you have gone without sex?

Well, I was three days from my 17th birthday.  Yeah, I was a bit of a late bloomer by almost anyone's standards.  I was waiting for the right one.  You know?

And this was absolutely perfect.  We rented a cottage by the lake.  We stayed all afternoon going at it.  He had a three pack of condoms and I thought you had to use them all at once.  (I must have been his dream girl.)

After that, the longest I ever went without sex...about a month.  Yes, I went longer without in my relationship with my man than I ever went when I was single or married.  Ah, but not anymore.  We're in a good place.

Now you.  Come on.  You can tell me...

Sweet sweet Sunday

Sunday started off tame.  For a minute.

And then it was on.  On the couch.  All over the couch.

He's a gentleman.  He always lets me finish first.  And it was quite the finish, a quivering, shaking, filled with after waves finish.

And we changed our venue.  Off to our beloved lounge chair.  It was lovely.

That wasn't my favorite part.  My favorite part was later that afternoon.  We put the porn back on, right where we left off.  We opened our toy chest.  We're running low on lube.  Good thing we ordered some in our last Adam and Eve order. 

Then it was on.  We played a new game.  We pretty much acted out much of the video, performing with them.  When the woman on the porn was getting eaten out, so was I.  And he was so sexy about it.  He'd ask me what I liked, we're still learning, still exploring as we go.  I don't know a lot about what I like in that department.  All I know is that he's the only man who's been able to make me cum using just his tongue.  He's special.

He was quick to give me instructions.  It was awesome.  I love that.

man: Tighter.  Harder.  Faster.  Um.  Just like that.

It was so hot.  And when we finished, it was time to nap.  He held me like I was precious, with both arms wrapped around me.

We woke to eat dinner.  We quickly returned to the bed and snuggled.  And there was more sex.  Lots more sex.  That's what happens when he tries to convince me that it is a comfort thing to hold his cock while he falls asleep.  And I definitely want him to be comforted.

Never felt like I was settling

Sure, Saturday was supposed to be our first threesome, until our third backed out at the last minute.  Sure, we could have been really disappointed.  It didn't work out that way.

Instead, we had an amazing Saturday all to ourselves.

And it began the moment he woke up.  I had been working on the laptop next to him in bed.  He shoved my robe out of the way and asked me to flip over.  I like when he gets to the point.  He loves it doggie style.  And I love to please him.

Sex before breakfast.  I love working up an appetite.

Then a few hours later, we were going at it on the lounge chair.  I love that lounge chair.  We have so much fun in it.  And he liked mixing it up by having me finish him cowgirl.

Then it was time to run errands and get dinner.  As soon as we returned, he looked at me.

man: What if we go in the bedroom, turn on a porn, have sex, and then go hang out with friends?

Seriously, dinner and dessert?  I was in heaven.  Yes, heaven.

It's so amazing when he can't seem to get his fill of me.  I love all the touching.  I love that we keep changing it up.

man: See, we have amazing hot sex.  We don't need anyone else.  We don't need to rush this.  We're good.

Hell, yeah!  We're more than good.

Another glorious weekend

We had our set backs.  We had some plans, we thought.  And I was worried that the disappointment would set in and keep us from truly enjoying our alone time.

I shouldn't have.

It was amazing.  And it all began with Friday night.  At one point, early, maybe nine, he told me what he was thinking.

man: So, what if we go in the bedroom, throw on a porn, and I tie you up?

me: Let's go.

And so we went to the bedroom.  He tied me to what's left of our headboard.  (Long story.  Suffice it to say, we've done the light bondage thing before and he's strong when he's determined.  He really wanted to touch me.)

We picked a porn.  (Our selection should be growing by the end of the week.  We're getting another shipment from Adam & Eve.)

Next thing you know, he's pulled out my vibrator and some lube.  And he's using his tongue on me.  And I'm just about a quivering mess.  He must have loved the way I looked because he suggested we switch.

me: Be gentle with the headboard this time.

His response was pretty non-committal.  And then he upped the ante.  We played a game while I teased his cock with my mouth and tongue.

man: Let's play truth or dare.

We have had some amazing times with that game.  I love getting to know him better in a non-threatening way.  And I love our dares, so sexy.

What I love most is that our sessions last for hours.  We have yet to truly master the quickie.  Even our quickie is a good half an hour long.

man: See.  We have amazing sex.  We don't need to rush into a threesome or The Estate.  But someday, soon...

After the disappointment

We had a long talk.  The chick was still jerking us around Saturday morning.  By the time she finally decided against meeting up, I was completely over it.  All I was annoyed about was wasting time trying to hook up with her.  Endless emails.  Exchange of pictures.  Agreeing to the various terms.

It was too much.

And I was feeling this pressure.  I always feel like I'm disappointing him when things go wrong.  If there's anything I never want to do, it's disappoint him.

man: Let's hold off on that for a while.  I'm tired of all the Craigslist bullshit.

me: I thought you really wanted this.

man: We'll hold off on that for now.  Maybe in a little while we'll try The Estate.

And I was surprised.  We had talked about The Estate.  We had a lot of concerns.  I picture people running around naked.  I picture people having sex all over the place.  I picture aggressive men and women coming on to both of us.  And I imagine I will be really nervous, and clingy, and uncomfortable.  Maybe.

Or maybe I'll be the confident one, channeling that for both of us, helping us to navigate our way through the place.  Maybe he'll be shy and bashful.  Maybe my emotions will be in check and I will welcome these strangers making advances and the women touching and talking to my man.  I can be very surprising sometimes.  That's why he keeps me.

We had a long IM the other night with a man who had been to The Estate.  It really made us feel a lot more comfortable about the idea.  He confirmed that there would be areas of nudity.  And there will be areas where people are having sex.  At the same time we won't feel pressured.  And it should be a place where we can find a nice couple to play with in a less public place.

Yes, I may write about all our crazy sexcapades, but that doesn't mean I want loads of people watching us.  If I was into that, we'd be working a cam site to make some money.  And given our creativity and passion, we'd be making a pretty penny, too.

And--we're off--again!

Things were really heating up.  We were having some really spicy emails.  I was coming home all hot and bothered.  My man wasn't in the mood so much.  On the bright side, my toys always are!

And he doesn't mind when I pleasure myself.  I think he likes it.  Still, he has yet to watch me do it.  I'm not sure whether that's more about my being self-conscious, or that he knows his presence would disrupt the entire experience.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll like it.

We might have a chance to find out.  Know why?

Simple.  We won't be getting together with her this weekend.  Yup.  Once again, she is backing out.  So it's something like...fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice...

And I'm done with her.  We're done with her.  We planned.  We prepared.  Now...done.

Any ideas?  Where ever will we find a third?  Or...a same room, no swap couple.  I'm not terribly picky any more.

Oh, and The Estate is sounding more and more intriguing.  Come back and I'll tel you why.

Psyched for Saturday

It seemed we weren't getting any decent responses from our newest ads.  We had one woman who ended up being a picture collector.  (Probably not even a woman.)  And we had people that he just couldn't consider having sex with.  (Admit it.  There has to be some kind of attraction.)

So I did something I didn't think I was going to do.  I reached out to the first girl, the girl that decided she was more of a lesbian than a bi-sexual.  And the results were ideal.

She was still seeing the woman that she had been, but she wasn't really into her.  She still wanted to hook up with me, with us.

It seems like it's going to be on for Saturday.  Yup, just one short day away.

Don't worry.  I double checked.  I made sure that we were still working with the same terms.

Yup.  She'd still be coming to our place.  Yup.  She was still eager to play with me, and willing to use her mouth and hands on my man.  (I can't believe I'm using those words.  I can't believe I'm kinda okay with that.)  And, yes, there will still be toys.

I'm excited.  And yet as I think about it.  I'm also nervous and maybe a bit scared.  Luckily, I can dig deep.  I can work through it.  I hope.

So, I ended up back in the living room...(continued from yesterday...)

Yes, the text messages were too much.  I was intrigued.  And it was such an inadequate method of communication at the moment.

So far they had revealed that the wife was very horny.  And my man was passed out.

Then I asked about whether or not the wife might teach me, since I had never been with a woman.  Just in case we decided to actually follow through with this.  I wanted an idea of what to expect.  Were we really just doing same room no swap sex, or would the guys live the dream and see their women getting frisky together?

They were both interested in that concept.  And that's why I ended up back in the living room.  It was a short walk.  And as much as I hate to pull myself away from him when he's all sweet and warm and snuggly, I had to talk to them.

They were still awake in the living room, playing on the Wii.  And they were both happy to see me in my bathrobe.  Just my bathrobe.

We talked.  Man, did we talk.

We talked about porn.  (The husband has a bit of an addiction.)  I explained that I don't mind it when used properly.  (And lately, we are definitely using it properly.)  They looked as though a light had just gone on in a new room in their heads.

We talked about the same room sex.  The wife was nervous.  She was a bit shy about her body.  I completely get that.  I'm the same way.  The only thing that gave me some confidence was that I knew they liked my boobs through a shirt and would LOVE them naked.

So, I told the wife that I thought she was gorgeous.  She does have an incredible face.  And unlike me, she is photogenic.

That's when I received the biggest surprise.  Earlier, my man had picked up the husband's phone when he dropped it.  And he was warned not to open the flip phone.  We had smiled at each other then.  And I whispered that apparently we weren't the only ones who took naughty pictures.
 
The husband passed me the phone.  'Open it,' he suggested.

I did.  It was a naked boob shot, faceless, just like mine.

me: Very nice.

And I wasn't lying.  They were surprisingly nice.  I wouldn't have guessed how nice.  Now I was a little turned on.

The wife was embarrassed and curled up on the couch.  So, I went to bed.  For a while I laid there and thought about what a mistake I had made.  I had seen her naked boobs.

In the morning, when her husband was in the bathroom, I remedied that.  I loaded a picture of my boobs on the monitor and called her over.

wife: WOW.

It was so worth it.

He said it out loud

It may have been the alcohol.  No.  It must definitely have been the alcohol.

Somehow, my seriously bashful man put it all out there.  He opened the door and rushed through it, dragging ME a little tentatively behind.  Yup.  That's what he did.

We were hanging out with our best couple friends.  His long time friends.  People who have known him for the better part of close to ten years.  People who love me to death.  People I have only known for the better part of three years.  Highly religious married people.

Have I set the stage well enough, yet?

We're drinking.  We're playing Wii.  And then he looked at me.

man: What do you think about them?

me: What do you mean what do I think?

Only really my eyes grew wide and I knew.  Oh crap.  He was going to ask them.  The wife was bi and the husband loves porn.  In his mind, perfect fit.

me: Let's go talk.

So we went out to our screen porch while there were thankfully oblivious to our discussion.  He was feeling frisky, obviously.  And he was dying to try new things.  Our only concern: ruining the friendship.

Soon we were in the house.  And we were toasting.  And he just blurted it out.

man: So what do you think about same room no swap sex?

And given that they clearly have not explored this lifestyle with the same enthusiasm we had been for the last month or so, they were baffled and justifiably shocked.  It was up to me to do damage control.

me: What he means is...

And so we talked.  And they listened.  And they seem to be in.  Seriously.

With any luck and a good bit of alcohol, we will make our first foray into this new, exciting, and naughty lifestyle.  The guys tried to get us to kiss to seal the deal, but let's face it.  It was all too new.  And I think she was worried about pushing something on me.  And I was worried about seeming too eager.

My man went to bed.  I followed.  They were staying over because we all drank a bit too much.  And then my phone started chiming.  It was them, texting me from the living room.

How's that for a cliffhanger?

He's living the good life

Yes, so we're on our quest to have a special weekend...next weekend.  And you, of course, know what that means.  Yup.  We're still working on that threesome.

I have posted a new ad on Craigslist.  And a few hours after the posting, we received a response.  There were pictures.  And they were more than promising.  His reaction?

man: Yeah!  Let's do her!


Fantastic.  Finally he's excited.

And so I gave him that look.   You know the one.  It was the look that was supposed to demonstrate that he may have showed just a tad too much enthusiasm for this strange woman and her naked boobs. 

Still, we had to respond to her, with pictures.  And the problem is that we're discovering that people want face pics.  Maybe not a bad thing for him, but my face doesn't photograph well.  Oh, and girls want pics of his dick and he doesn't often photograph that at all. 

We looked through some pictures for just a few minutes.  It was evident that there were no good face pictures.  We wouldn't want to scare her away.  And we still needed a good dick shot.

See where we're going with this?

Yes, I gave my man a blow job just so we could have pictures for the response.  Damn, he's living the good life.  And when we told them later, our friends agreed.

Come back tomorrow to find out how that conversation started.  It'll be worth the trip, I assure you.

He's healed

We had a huge talk on Saturday night.  It was a good talk.  A really important talk.  And it needed to be done.

me: You've been really distant lately.

man: I've been here.

me: This has nothing to do with geography.  And you know this. 

man: *sigh*

me: I've been talking to a blog friend.  (Thank you, KC!) And I understand that you're stressed about money.

man: All I can think about right now is providing for us.

me: And I get that, but don't push me away.  Don't keep that between us.  When things are really bad, really stressful in my life, I know I can get through it if we're good.  As long as you're close, I can survive anything.

He melted a lot then.  He snuggled me close.  And soon, he was really back to normal, really all mine all over again.

man: So, you want to bring the computer into the bedroom...

Oh, yeah.  We went at it.  And I can attest, after incredibly close inspection, that he is functioning at full capacity once more.  So, you know I'm happy.  And you know my stress level is more manageable.  And you may have even guessed that we're into planning a special weekend once more.

man: Thank you for getting my sex drive back.

Oh, no, baby.  The pleasure is all mine.  Thank you.

So, I've resorted to masturbating

Yes, that's what you do when you are in desperate need while part of a loving committed relationship.

Now, mind you, I don't think I should ever BE in desperate when I'm in a loving committed relationship.  I, personally, believe that as long as you are physically able, you should be able to fulfill each others needs, thereby making solo masturbation a thing of the past.

See, it's not that I think there is anything wrong with masturbating.  I love it when I can convince him to masturbate in front of me...to start...or sometimes to finish.  I love watching him get all aroused.  I join in. I help.  It's a team effort that I find very exciting.

And goodness knows he loves watching me touch myself.  When I have my hand down there stimulating my clit while he is pumping into me, watching, he tells me how hot it is.  Man, I love making that man hot.  Umm hmmm.

So, here were are, during our drought, and I'm suffering.  Alone.  I've written about how the money stresses are impacting us.  And I've written about how he broke his business during our very erotic constantly going at it spell.  (Gawd I miss that!  So very much.) 

Now, I'm forced to do something that I really hate.  Ummm.  Okay, I don't hate it, I just prefer intimacy with him than by myself.  You know?

I guess I figure it's the lesser of the evils.  At least that's what he told me when I caught him masturbating to online porn behind my back.  It was the catalyst started it all.  All of this.  The blog.  The change in our lifestyle.  Everything.

We'll make it through this.  We weather everything.  We stick no matter what.  Oh, it gets good and bumpy sometimes.  I have started packing on more than one occasion.  Still, I stay because, ultimately, I love him and only him.  I want to be with him.  (And mostly only him-ish.)  And we are amazing together.  Most of the time.

So, I've asked him to heal by mid-week.  I've asked him to get in the mood soon.  Here's hoping he understands my needs and can dig deep to fulfill them because I want to fulfill all of his.  Forever.

My fantasies

We've spent a lot of time lately talking about all of his fantasies.  I know that in a perfect world, he has me and another woman.  I know that in his ultimate fantasy we enjoy a wildly erotic threesome and then go home to have more sex just the two of us, while we take in what we just did.

Yeah.  I know a lot about what he wants from me and the other woman.  I know a lot about his dreams and expectations.  I know this because he shares.

Know what, though?

We don't talk about what I want.  He's never really asked.  And I guess I never thought about it before.

What do I want?  What are my fantasies?

And I guess I want something different.  My fantasies aren't sexual at the moment.  My fantasies are purely emotional.  In my fantasy, I'm enough.  He doesn't want anyone but me ever.  He lavishes me with kisses.  He holds me close, tenderly.  He is completely overcome with desire.  And then he makes mad, passionate love to me.

Weird, huh?

I'll tell you why this is my fantasy.  It's pretty simple.

We fuck all the time.  We have serious sex.  We play porns on the laptop and on the DVD player.  We try new toys.  We enjoy lots of positions.  And I like that.  I really do.  No, I mean, I REALLY DO.

It's just that once in a while, I would love for us to do it and for me to feel how much he loves and desires me.  Chances are, it's my fault.  I haven't asked for it.  I have allowed us to go at it like animals when sometimes I just want to be loved.

That's my fantasy.  And if I'm willing to go above and beyond to keep our relationship spicy, I think he should be willing to make my dreams come true, too.

I'll ask.  And I'll let you know.

It's raining opportunities

And we don't seem to be going after any of them.

In some ways, I understand why.  He's focused on work right now.  He's focused on trying to find work.  Business has been abysmally slow.  And it is creating a great deal of stress.

I don't know about you, but when I am under stress, there's nothing I like better than some amazing sex.  Sex makes me feel better.  And--it's free!

Yes, it is free entertainment.  We can go in the bedroom, have an incredible romp, forget about our troubles for a little while and bond.  I love the intimacy that comes from some great sex.

Only he's different from me.  Stress affects his sex drive.  And when he's stressed, there's no sex.  Nope.  We're not having sex right now.

We went from having TONS of sex, wake up in the middle of the night because I had to have you sex, can't wait for you to come home from work because I need to have you sex, let's not leave the house all weekend because all I want to do is take you every way possible sex, to no sex.  NO SEX.

And let me tell you about sex-less Lexi.  She's a bitch.  She is tense.  She is over-sensitive.  She hates life.  She feels disconnected.  She feels empty and alone, unloved and unwanted.  She struggles not to run.  She struggles not to make a colossal mistake.  It's all she can do to not take a misterer.

I am a very sexual being.  Always have been.  Always will be.  And I need some.  Yesterday.  Hell, I need some every day.

So, how do I get him back on board?  I sent him sext messages today offering blow jobs and even the elusive butt hole.  (A rare and special gift, I assure you.)  He replied that I was nasty.  And given his lack of contact, I don't think he meant it in that really great way.

Any advice will be great appreciated and taken.

Finding a third...take two!

Yes, when we were in our frantic 'gotta find someone' stage, we were messaging women left and right.

We contacted women on Craigslist.  We contacted women on Rudester.  We contacted women on Nexxus.  We were really putting ourselves out there.  We were really making the effort.

And it seemed like no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we were willing to bend our standards, we simply couldn't find anyone.  All the women who claimed they wanted threesomes suddenly backed down, or never contacted us, or decided they were lesbians and not bi-sexual.  We were facing one disappointment after another.

Well, finally one of the first chicks we contacted has returned our message.  Now, it took her weeks, mind you.  And so it may take weeks for this to actually come to fruition, but I have to tell you, in my life, I have learned there are things that are simply worth the wait.

My man, now he was definitely worth the wait.  I went through a ridiculous amount of BS in relationships and my marriage.  And now, we are in a great place.  All the junk from our past has simply fallen away.

It took time.  And work.  And patience.  All I know is that I would do it all again because of where we are now.

Thank you, all of you who keep telling me to be patient, that this threesome will happen, that the right chick will come along.  I believe you may be right.

My dark past

In my first marriage, we lacked so much.  He wasn't faithful, for one thing.  The result was that I was a little more adventurous than I might have been.

We ended up finding a couple that we spent a great deal of time with.  The ex had a bit of a fixation on the wife.  And the husband had a thing for me.

Okay, the husband had such a huge thing for me that he considered, and even asked me, to leave our respective spouses and be together.  Ummm.  That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  I'm not really a home wrecker.  And while I was unhappy, rightfully so, I didn't think he really was.

I was new and different.  I was a toy he'd never had before.  He had been with his wife since they were teenagers.  She was the only woman he'd ever been with.  And I didn't see us being something permanent.  And I didn't want us to be something permanent.  I was friends with both of them.

Why do I bring all of this up now?  Well, it's something that has been on my mind ever since we have discussed having threesomes, bringing in other couples.  I guess in the back of my mind, I can't help but remember that in my past, there have been times that I have tried similar experiences with disastrous results.

I'm no longer married.  That had less to do with those particular experiences and more to do with our incompatibilities finally catching up with us.  And we never swapped with this other couple.  The closest we came was sex in the same hot tub.

Still, I would be crazy not to consider the ramifications before I jumped into another potentially relationship damaging situation.  And so I wonder over all the ways to relationship proof our relationship.  I wonder over the steps to take to ensure that we are always happy and good together.

And I'm realizing that it should probably have started with me not cursing him out a few minutes ago for turning on the light when I was trying to sleep.  And I probably also shouldn't have matched him insult for insult after that.  And I know that I'm better than that, that we're better than that.  We are.  At the same time, his recovery days kill us.  That first day where he stops drinking cold turkey about kills me.  He's mean and distant.  And I know that it is simply a result of being hung over.  And I know that in a few days he'll be fine, mine all over again, but still, I have trouble accepting the distance.

I miss him.  And I want to make sure that the missing him is always a temporary condition.  And that's why I'm so excited about the woman who finally contacted us.

My misterer

If men can have mistresses, well, then I had a misterer.  Once.  For about a year.

I wasn't certain it was something I was capable of.  Then I discovered that I liked having a man to meet here and there.  I liked knowing that I could go, spend an hour or so, wear myself out, and go back to my normal life.  No harm.  No foul.

It was really...liberating. 

I liked the freedoms it allowed.  Instead of needing to find men to satisfy my needs, instead of working for constant fresh fucks, I had someone that understood our mutually beneficial relationship.

It was ideal.  And then he messed it up. 

How?

Simple.  He fell for me.  He wanted a relationship.  He wasn't anyone I wanted a relationship with.  Really.  And this may sound cold.  It's simply that I was happy with us where we were.  We didn't need to confuse things by trying to factor in romance.  I didn't want to date him.  That wasn't part of the plan.

And I think that my be one thing I fear with this new lifestyle we are exploring.  We are looking at potentially starting mini relationships with other people, mostly women, since he fears including men.  Still, I worry that suddenly there will be a situation where feelings are involved.  I worry that someone will suddenly develop feelings that shouldn't exist for one of us.

I suppose part of me assumes that it will be me.  I am the easier one to be with.  I am the easier one to get along with.  I am a much better communicator.

Should that deter us?  Should I simply screen people better?  And I wish I knew how to instigate this screening process because my misterer isn't the first one to fall for me that shouldn't have...

By George, I think we've got it!

We had an interesting conversation last night.  He had looked at me, recognized my tired face, and offered up bed.  I readily accepted, but as we headed down the hall he made a comment. 

man: So, movie or computer?

And I smiled.  This meant he was in the mood.  Computer it was.

We went to bed.  And I worked to find us something...interesting.  It was a task complicated by his fondling my boobs and suckling.  Oh, and he was doing it perfectly.

Soon we were playing with each other as we watched a threesome movie.  Yes, our porn of choice.

There was a man sitting naked on the couch with two  naked chicks.  And they were pretty much taking turns sucking on him while he fondled their boobs. 

man: See.  That's what I want. Think we can have that?

me: Mostly.

Next thing you know, I'm reminding him once again of my sexual past. 

me: I've done a threesome with two guys.  And I've done sex same bed no swap.  And I've had group sex in a hot tub, no swap.

man: Wait a minute.  You're a freak!  You should be really into this.

And I reminded him the difference.  Feelings change everything.  He had his fun when he was younger, too.  It's different when you love your partner and don't want to share and don't want to hurt him or her.

That's where we struggle.

Soon, I was giving him a blow job while we talked.  It's hard to talk with your mouth full, but I managed.

man: So, I could...hit it from the back while you ate the chick out?

me: Mmmhmm.

man: So, could she give me a blow job?

me: Mmhm.

man: So, could I titty fuck her while she eats you?

me: Mmmkay.

And the potential scenarios went on and on.  He can be very creative when he's inspired.

man: So, only the vag is off limits?

I had to stop entirely for this, and worked him with my hands while we spoke.

me: Yes.  The vag is sacred.

He was happy.

man: I can work with that.

After I finished, he held me close as we drifted off to sleep.

man: We're forever, right?

me: Yeah.  Forever.

Concerns about The Estate

Long before we ever agreed to look into a swinging kind of lifestyle, long before we ever decided to spice things up, I had heard of The Estate.

I guess I thought it was this elusive Craigslist code I had yet to crack.  There were lots of posts about meeting at The Estate.  What was this estate?  Was it a euphemism?  An actual location?  Some super magical event that I had to be privy to?

And so, I Googled it.  And I was shocked.  The Estate was a place.  It was a super secret location in my city where like-minded adults gathered to participate in like-minded consensual activities.  Clothing around the hot tub was optional.  There were private party rooms.

In fact, I was as intrigued as I was appalled and frightened.  At the same time, as a blogger, I tend to put myself out there for the sake of the story.  Imagine the tales I could tell if I simply experienced it.

We talked about it.  And in my mind, it's just a modern day version of Caligula.  Seen that movie?  It was the dirtiest movie I had ever seen in high school.  And for reasons I still don't understand, it wasn't behind the curtain.  There was tons of sex and nudity and every kind of debauchery imaginable.

I guess that's pretty much how I imagine The Estate.  And I'm not sure I'm ready for that, even as a spectator.  If I wanted an audience, I'd operate a cam business.  At least I'd be making money.  And I wouldn't see everyone watching me. 

Okay, maybe I've considered it--a little. 

But about the estate.  Do we go?

Swingers club site email

We check our email religiously, together.  And what we discovered the other day floored us.

By now we had grown used to getting tons of friend requests from Rudester.  (Apparently I have great tits.  At least that's what all the requests say.)  And we get a lot of couples from Adult Friend Finder asking for some crazy swapping.  Of course, since my man has bad dreams about me giving anyone else head, I am thinking that even a soft swap is in our distant future.

So, imagine our surprise when we received an email from the swinger site we set up a profile on.  The couple was one that we had looked at.  We had both decided that we wouldn't feel intimidated by doing anything with them.  She was attractive, but not hot in the traditional sense.  And he was a middle aged fit man.  Seemed like a reasonable match.

They pretty much offered up the training wheels we'd need to get going.  And I thought all would be well, until I realized that they are very active in the swingers club.  We read about the club online.  We see the discussions of the club--again, online.  Oh, but the thought of going has us quaking in our boots. 

Somehow that feels like diving in.  Somehow that feels like a bigger step than we are prepared for. 

But they invited us.  And they want to meet us.  And I want to DO SOMETHING.  I'm a woman of action.  And weeks of talk and no action is killing me. 

Come back tomorrow as I explain our fear of The Estate.

When you're not feeling sexy

I have to tell you, there are times that I simply don't feel that sexy.  Times when I don't feel like being sexy.  But still, at no time do I ever say no to getting sexy with my man.

Don't get me wrong.  Over the years he has turned me down plenty.  And that will be his chief excuse.

man: I don't feel sexy right now.

Really?  You have a raging boner and you don't feel sexy.  Okay.  It's morning wood.  I can see where it might simply be the old pee hard on.

And so I let him alone.  I'm nice like that.  And I have learned that forcing the issue doesn't really help anything.  So no forcing the issue--ever.

I think I'm still recovering from our weekend of unbridled passion.  My vag is finally not one aching unit.  And all indications are that he might very well be on his own road to recovery.  At least I hope he recovers soon.

These periods where I'm simply not feeling it are always brief.  I love him.  I lust him.  I long for him.  And while I love that he holds me every night and always has to be touching me, even if it's while we are on the couch watching television, it will never replace the intimacy that we get from sex.

I love that intimacy.  Still, we have to discuss and explore what intimacy we're comfortable sharing with others.  We plan to move forward and try something new over the weekend.  With that in mind, we need to get moving, get searching, and nail down where we stand on everything.

Where do  you draw the line?  What are we comfortable with?

He's still haunted by his dream.  So, I know he's not comfortable involving another man.  He's subtle like that, see.  At the same time, I think we need to explore our dealings with other women.  I'm not ready to see him in another woman.  Call me crazy.  I'm going to have to work up to that.

And so we've been talking about things.  We've been discussing my concerns.  More than anything, I don't want things to change between us.  I still want us to have our special alone time.  I don't want everything to from now on always have to involve someone else.  These are things I think about.

Maybe I'm a little normal.  I can't just jump both feet without considering the consequences and every angle.  I love him.  All of this matters.

Still, I'm intrigued and eager to move forward.  Guess I'm feeling a little sexy. 

Bad dreams and happy endings

I was awakened at the early early early hour of 6am on a Sunday morning.  And when it comes to be awakened by my man, I never mind.  This time he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close before he spoke.

man: Bad dream.

And I could tell that it was, just from his grip on me.  He practically clung to me.  So, I knew the dream had something to do with me.  Any dream that prompts that reaction usually involves him losing me in one way, shape, or form.

This dream was no different.  He later revealed it's contents.  Apparently we had finally set up a time to meet with another couple for our first big event.  It was Jenny McCarthy and some old, rude, bald guy.  Interesting.

While I wondered how this could be bad for him, since he was getting Jenny McCarthy out of the deal, he soon explained.  There were no details about sex with Jenny.  Instead he was bothered that I had given this guy a blow job.  (Like I would ever let another man near my vag.)  And then the guy had tried to take over my man's side of the bed.

Needless to say, he had a violent reaction in his dream.  I'm not surprised.  And his bad dream made me happy.  All I heard was more reassurance that he didn't want to lose me.  I have no equal.  Not even Jenny McCarthy.

So, I soothed him in my own special way.  I had been stroking him while we spoke.  And then I simply went down on him.  I liked and sucked and stroked until he came in my mouth.

It worked.  He wrapped himself around me, more relaxed and at ease.  He snuggled in.  And we fell back to sleep.

He's broken: A cautionary tale

Men, if you ignore every other piece of advice I ever give, please heed this simple warning.  Use lube.  I know, you think it's your penis and you know best.  You figure you've been with it a lot longer than we have.  You have this idea that  you know your body.  Right.

Then we leave you unattended all day.  You wake with a raging hard on.  Peeing doesn't help.  Maybe you just need to pop in a porn and handle your business.  (At least this is how it was explained to me.)

Only, after watching the entire freaking video and relieving yourself God knows how many times, now your penis, that we love and long to play with, is broken.  Yup.  You felt too weird using the masturbator without us.  It seemed wrong.  Hmmm, but hours of porn didn't.

Now, I can't touch you.  Oh, you want me to.  You tempted me and toyed with me until I was wet and longing.  You insisted I climb on.  (As if you could have stopped me.)  And after a few minutes, just when I could really feel the need building, you begged me to get off.

I didn't understand the get off part, at first.  I thought you were rushing me to orgasm because you wanted to hit it from the back so badly.  Silly, Lexi.  You genuinely wanted me off your dick.  You big dumb idiot!

Sure, I can masturbate.  I can use my tried and true dildo or my vibrator or my new crystal dildo.  But handsome, you are still my cock of choice.  Take care of it.  Baby it.  Treat it right.  I want it...yesterday.

Why’s it always so hot between us?

That was the question he posed the other night after we finished with yet another amazing sexperience.  Yes, sexperience.  My definition: a sexual experience.  There.  I made a new word.

We had simply been lying on the couch in the living room when he suddenly looked at me and decided that we should go in the bedroom and pleasure each other.  And I completely understood why.  I credit The Time Traveler’s Wife.  I know it sounds strange.  For a man who knows only one way to truly show his love, a man who finds holding and snuggling to be too insignificant a demonstration of his true feelings, sex becomes the perfect expression.

A sexpression, if you will.

(See, I just did it again.  Sexpression: the use of sex to express your emotions.)

So, in order to truly demonstrate his feeling he shared a sexpression that was an incredible sexperience.  And it was amazing.  It was hot.  It was just how we wanted to end our weekend, on a high, thoroughly sated.  He tells me he loves me and he shows me he loves me.

It’s in his touch, the way his hands cup my breasts and the way his thumbs stroke my nipples.  It’s in the way his tongue flicks my clit.  It’s in the way he moves his lips over my neck, the way his teeth nibble my ear lobe.  It’s in his every caress. 

And when we’re through and sleep begins to claim us, the expression of his love is in the way he wraps an arm around me and melds my body to his.  Sometimes we get too hot, but he never releases me, never lets me go. 

Love.  That’s what makes it so hot.

Like a porn star

A friend of mine recently read the Jenna Jameson memoir.  She liked it.  Nay, she LOVED it.  As with most novels, some parts were easier reads than others.  And she called it a true learning experience.

This friend, I admire greatly.  She was a bit of a late bloomer, more of a student of sex than a true participant.  She was well-read and eager to practice.  That's where college came in.  And I was thrilled for her.  It worked out rather well for me, too.

After all, she taught me all her secrets of giving good head.  She taught me the technique of the endless blow job.  She is one of the reasons that my man ADORES me today.  Yes, I owe this friend A LOT.

Well, when she told me about the novel, I was tempted to pick it up.  I still may.  It's simply that a few thoughts have occurred to me, recently, as we work through this new sexual awakening we are experiencing.  We have been watching quite a bit of porn.

And though I have been a late bloomer in that department.  I have now experienced lots of DVDs and lots of online porn.  I feel that gives me adequate experience to say that I don't want to fuck like a porn star.  I really don't.  My sex with my man is soooo much better than these movies.

Why, just last night, we watched a movie where the chick was deep throating and looked and sounded like she was choking.  While her face wore a fake smile, her eyes bespoke her true feelings.  She was not enjoying her work at the moment.

In fact, the more I study, the more convinced I am that most of the chicks in these porns are not truly enjoying their work.  They seem to be faking it.  They are plenty vocal, but I'm not convinced.  And I love the sex I'm having.

We are mostly spontaneous.  We go at it with pure abandon.  We are passionate.  We are playful.  We know all of each other's special spots, favorite things.  Oh, but we keep finding new joys, new likes.

Why just last night, he discovered why women love vibrators.  We planned our next purchase.  There is a vibrating cock ring in our future.  And we can't wait.

Not something I pay for

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It took less than three days

Yup.  Three days before we had received our magical package containing our new toys from Adam & Eve, and our new videos.  We have a Blue Ray player in the living room, but given how visible our television is for anyone at the front door, we decided that it might be best to instead watch our naughty movies in the privacy of our bedroom.

Oh, but there's no DVD player there.  What to do.  What to do.

Well, I'll tell you what we did.  Last night, after looked at profiles for about half an hour on the swinger site, I could tell he was getting aroused.  I love when he has to push on his erection to try to get comfortable.

Next thing you know, he tells me that he wants to move the Blue Ray player.

man: I found some cords.  I think they'll work.

And I knew what he meant.  He wanted to watch one of the porns.  He needed to watch one of the porns. 

So we carried the device to the bedroom.  I've never seen him more motivated, more determined.  And his patience was suddenly boundless.

First there was no sound, then no color, then the video was sideways black and white.  At last it was working.  And he picked some amateur porn.  Within seconds, yes, seconds, he was naked and expecting me to join him in bed. 

Within a minute, he was playing with my vag, flitting his fingers inside and out.  And he was shaking with need, which I find to be super hot, which would explain why I was super wet. 

Yeah, we did it.  We had amazing sex to a fantastic video.  We watched maybe twenty minutes of it.  I did the math.  At that rate, with five videos equaling approximately twelve hours total, we have a good thirty-six viewings in us before we run out of new footage.

I'm not worried.  Adam & Eve send me specials all the time.  And their deals are so incredible that we'll probably be buying about once a month.  I told you how well we did last time.  I can't wait.

Our package arrived!

After we had spent the weekend at home, locked in, going at it like rabbits, we were mourning our limited toy collection.  On top of that, we were desperate for our new toys to arrive.  New toys!  New movies!  Yay!

Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and found THE BOX in front of the house.  Oh, yes.  And he was napping, almost as though he was resting up for my arrival.  He had to.  All I did was wear him out the next hour.

He was like a kid at Christmas.

man: Okay.  Where is it?  Let me see it.

For someone who had never really wanted a sex toy before, he was very enthusiastic.  Incredibly enthusiastic.  And he made that newbie mistake.  He tried to ram the Pink Pussy Lips Masturbator onto his already throbbing penis without lube.  Yup.

me: Wait.  Let me grab the lube.

For some reason he has a real hang up about lube.  He takes it as a personal affront if I ever ask for any.  He makes me crazy wet, but I'm only human.  And when we go at it for hours and days at a time, I start to dry up.  Hell, these days, I'm practically dehydrated.  So, we're going through some lube.

Here's an insider stock tip for you: invest in KY because we sure are going to be buying it up like crazy.  Oh, and the warming is my favorite.

I pulled out the lube and wet the lip entrance.  He slid it easily onto his cock and started to use it.  I love watching him masturbate.  It shows an incredible amount of trust and it makes me really horny.  Ladies, you can learn a lot about what a man likes just from watching him work his business.  (I'm just full of tips today.)

Well, the masturbator is a hit.  No, make that a huge hit.  We used it three times.  I helped about one and a half times.  The clean up is easy.  It's far superior to his hand, which sometimes can be a bit rough on the penis.  And with the added KY warming lube: perfect!

I can't say enough nice things about Adam and Eve.  Check them out.  Register as a user if you haven't previously.  They have offers all the time.  Good offers.  Lots of free stuff.  We managed to get four movies, the masturbator, some arousal gel samples, a mini silver vibe with different heads, and my crystal dildo for under $30 including shipping and handling.

And, on a side note, while placing the order I thought the website wasn't crediting me for the free stuff, so I called the toll free number.  The man on the line was super helpful and patient.  (I was an online adult shopping virgin.)  I was wrong, the website was right, and all was well with the world.

We'll be using them again.  And again.  We're just watching for the right offer.

Living his fantasy

That's what every man wants.  He wants to be with a woman who lets him live his fantasies.  He wants a woman who fulfills his fantasies.

Somehow, I have managed to morph into that woman for him.  And really, it isn't that I have changed.  I've always wanted to please him, make him happy.  I've always told him that I thought we could have this amazing sex life, but he didn't believe me.

Now, he knows it's true.  Now, we are living his dreams.  And they are so simple.

After having sex about eight times on Sunday, the vag was worn the heck out.  (What a way to spend a Sunday.  Ahhhh.)  And so suddenly, while he was still insatiable, I became the blow job queen.  I wanted him happy, satisfied, wearing that look.

Then he grew almost shy.

man: Can I cum on your chest?

me: Sure.

And I couldn't believe he was asking.  To me, not that big a deal.  And it was only later in the night that I realized what a big deal it was to him. 

man: You are letting me live out my fantasies.

me: Which ones?

man: I got to cum on your chest.

me: Huh.  I didn't realize it was that big a deal.  What was it that made it so big? 

And he tried to explain.  It was the entire experience.  It was fear of me rejecting him.  It was fear of how I would react to that particular dump location.  It was wanting it so badly and expecting to be denied. 

How could I deny such a small thing to a man who has brought me so much pleasure, so much joy?  Could you?

The unexpected perfect weekend

It wasn't the weekend we expected.  We were supposed to be having a threesome Friday night.  And she had convinced us to let her stay over so there would be no drinking and driving.  That meant I half expected the threesome to potentially stretch late into the night, possibly early morning.

At least that's how sex was with me and my man.  We could go on and on for hours, when things were good between us.  Oh, and at the moment, things were AMAZING.

So, when the threesome was canceled because she found a potential lesbian, I kinda wondered what to expect.  I shouldn't have been worried.  He hadn't worked on Friday.  He was happy to see me when I came home.

We took some more pictures.  We worked on our Rudester profile.  We checked out Craigslist.

Only those weren't even close to being the highlights of our weekend.  Instead, we spent the weekend having sex ALL OVER THE HOUSE.  And we love that.

We like variety.  Obviously.  And we had it.  We tried every position known to man.  We kissed and caressed.  We toyed and fondled.  We went at it like rabbits.  I lost count.  Who am I kidding?  I stopped counting a few weeks ago.

In between, we napped.  We ate.  We snuggled.  We watched television.

I can't imagine a more perfect weekend.  It was so relaxed.  I felt so connected.  It was the best.

Welcome to Rudester

We had some fifty pictures to choose from as we made our first profile.  We picked Rudester.  It's the Facebook for people looking for sex.  And the profiles were free.

Free is. good. There are enough other places for our money to be spent.  We have adult movies to buy and sex toys and games to purchase.  We don't need to waste money finding someone to have a threesome with.

So we created a profile.  We put pictures of both of us on there.  We made two albums, one public and one private.  (One to wet your appetite, one to keep you coming back for more.)

And then we did an advanced search.  We were looking for a woman who was interested in a threesome, some nice bi-sexual female.  How hard could it be?

Well, so far, we have had single men from all over the world wanting to friend us.  Are they not reading what we are looking for, or are they simply distracted by the lovely profile picture of my boobs?  I'm guessing it is the latter.

Those friend requests we have ignored.  There have been others.  We have friended some nice COUPLES from all over the world.  And we're hoping that one of the messages we have sent will pay off.

To quote my man: You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to find some horny bitch.

Luckily, we have some toys and games to play with while we wait.  What a lovely way to pass the time.

Back to the drawing board

It was a difficult phone call to make.  We had spent the last few days planning on how to make the threesome work at our house.  We live in a very social neighborhood and it never quite occurs to anyone that when we have company, we'd like to be alone.  And so we anticipated intrusion.  And we figured that in order to keep at least some of our ground rules, we'd have to prep the study.

So, for me to call and tell him, the day before this was all to take place, that it wasn't going to happen, that she had found a maybe lesbian to be with Friday night instead wasn't fun.  He was justifiably annoyed and frustrated.  I was, too.  We had bent more than we wanted for this to happen and just when it seemed it was happening, it wasn't.

And you know what that meant: start the search over.  Which meant that once again we had to wonder where to begin.  In one foul swoop, Craigslist had proven to be as unreliable as he imagined it to be.  He wouldn't want to post there again, even though it was free.  We had to find another way.

On the bright side, he wasn't pressuring me.  There was no rush, in his mind.  We were good.  We were better than ever.  He couldn't keep his hands off me.  He was more passionate than he ever had been.  And, more than that, he was more expressive of his feelings.

This man who feared those three little words was telling me every day, multiple times a day, that he loved me.

man: You know why I did (blank)?

me: Why?

man: Because I love you.

My heart was swelling.  We were in such a good place.  And that's why we were in no rush, willing to find the right one.  There were steps to be taken.

me: If we are going to create a profile on one of those sites, we need pictures.

It was an offhanded remark.  I knew he wasn't fond of us having pictures online.

man: No face shots.

And somehow that seemed worse.  But he was right.  With our professions, no face shots.

Just in case he felt frisky, I had moved the camera into the bedroom.  It paid off.

me: What if our reward for getting our work done over the weekend is that we create our profile and contact some people?

man: Then  we'll need pictures.

me: The camera is right there.

Then we were naked.  We were licking and kissing and touching.  He was in me.  We tried every pose and angle imaginable.  There were some fifty shots to choose from.  That may seem excessive, but we're on a mission.  We'll choose a few.  And the rest?  Well, they are just for us.  The way it should be.