On the road to recovery: the beginning

So, I posed the question, wondering what it would take for us to be better.  And even while I was thinking out loud, I knew.  I needed the closeness back.  You can't get any closer than sharing your body with someone. 

He asked me to help him create a To Do list the other night.  He hates forgetting anything that he has to do.  And I gladly obliged.  I like feeling useful.  The list was rather mundane.  Call this person.  Follow up on that.  Go here.  Do that.  And finally, I added an item of my own.  I couldn't wait for him to read it.

My item:  Come home and make mad passionate love to Lexi.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.  Only we didn't really see each other until 8pm the other night.  And we both had to work in the morning.  And he admitted that, although he had seen it, it probably wouldn't happen.  So, I covered my disappointment as best I could.

me: That's okay.  Just holding me will be enough.

And I mostly meant it.

We drank a little and hung out in the man cave while he gathered together the tools of his trade for the next day.  I was staring at the pool table.  I remembered when he bought it.  We were dating, but not living together.  We had spent an afternoon shopping for it.  And then he called me when the salesman called to let him know we could have a different color of felt if we wanted.

I was surprised when he asked what I wanted.  Only, whether he realizes it or not, he's been including me in on all the big decisions of his life for as long as he's known me.  And we agreed on a color for the felt, just like we agreed that we needed to break the pool table in together.

The first night that he had it, after the guys had gone home after playing on it, we closed the garage door and got down and dirty.  By the time we were done, if you looked closely, you could see boob prints and butt prints and hand prints all over the felt.  It was awesome.  It made me laugh every time I saw it.  Because no matter how diligently he brushed it, our impressions lingered in the felt, just as we have a way of lingering on each other.

I asked a question. 

me: Truth.

man: Oh, not that game.

me: Nope.  Just truth.

He sighed in worry.

man: What?

me: Have you ever done anyone else on this table?  I just need to know if I have to pay to have the felt changed RIGHT NOW.

We've had our ups and downs.  He has been with others when we were on breaks.  I had, too.

man: No.  Never.

I smiled.  That was something.  It was a start.

What will it take?

This is what I ask myself.

What will it take for us to be okay again?

See, I have an eye for details, the kind of deeply honed attention that can only have developed from years of being cheated on.  Yes, I'm not proud.  I stayed too long in my first marriage.  And now I'm deeply damaged.

So, when I returned home today and discovered that there was no history on my computer, but that Craigslist was open, I knew he had enjoyed some solo happy time.  And I resent that, since we haven't had sex since the half-hearted make-up sex on Sunday night.  And I know that he used the newest masturbator that he loves so much.  I was clued in to that first by the laundry basket that was sitting askew on our toy chest, and then by the water dripping from his toy.

No, I don't miss much.  Hell, I don't miss anything.  Unfortunately, I have years of practice.  Too many years.  And now, I don't ask.  And I've warned him that when I do ask, I usually already know the answer, so he best not try to lie to me.

And I worry that these learned behaviors may sabotage our future and our happiness.  I worry that these analytical behaviors that have me second guessing everything may ruin us.  Still, I don't know how to stop.  I don't know how to let go.

At the same time, all I need to be okay with us again is for him to haul me into his arms, kiss me passionately, or ask me to have sex.  Any kind of sex.  I need the closeness.  I need to feel him in me.  I need to hear his breathing, see his face, watch his expressions.  God, I love that.  I know him well enough now to anticipate the reactions and recognize when he's close.

Part of the problem may be that my emotions are a bit on over drive.  I'm late.  Yes, that late.  It could be stress.  God knows we've been under enough of it.  And it could be nothing.  Still, we've talked about having a baby...maybe even babies.  And I kind of want it to be something.  At the same time, the timing...not great.

Think of me.

I know

I should have posted yesterday.  I couldn't.

I really had nothing to write about.  Sure, there was a little half-hearted make-up sex.  It was a lot like the half-hearted make-up.  In fact, after the other day, I'm not sure we're going to make it.

There's a lot I haven't told you about my man.  There's a lot I haven't told anyone, as a matter of fact.  Ah, but the anonymity this blog provides...definitely allows me the opportunity to vent.

I think it's safe to say this will be my least sexy post EVER.  Sorry for that.

Here goes.  My man is a bit of a drinker.  It has never been a real issue.  He's not abusive, exactly.  He's normally pretty fun and super affectionate.  And for someone like me who craves the TLC, I like when he has a nice buzz going.

Well, his last buzz started on Thursday and ended rather badly Sunday night.  Yes, the night after Christmas.  Only, the trouble didn't start at home.  Nope, we had problems when we went sledding.  It all started because I didn't want to go.  And if I had to go, I didn't want to participate.  I love sledding, but there is a limit to the weather I will participate in said event in.  Trust me, too cold.

That's when he announced on the top of the hill that we were through.  Yes, because I wouldn't sled.  Then he announced we were leaving and he was moving in with his father.  All because I was cold.  About then he rushed down the hill and wiped out in the parking lot.  It was ugly.  His side is purple and scraped.  That really didn't help his mood.

We came home and he told me to get out.  I told him I couldn't until my taxes arrived.  It is his house.  The night only grew worse from there.  He called his father and asked if he could move in.  His father spoke with me and knew that his son was over-reacting about something.

me: It's because I wouldn't sled.

And so he went to bed.  After being really ugly.  He lost his phone.  I took his keys.  (He had threatened to drive.)  He woke up a few hours later and was busy looking for his phone, still pissed off.  I waited it out an hour before he calmed down enough to speak to me.

He claims he wants us to stick it out.  He claims he wants to at least give it a go until my tax return arrives.  He claims that by then we will have worked through this.  All will be well.

Ah, but I was sober.  I remember everything.  EVERYTHING.  I will remember that he told me we weren't a good couple, that he wasn't attracted to me, that the lack of attraction was the reason for the porn and the attempt at threesomes.  I will remember that he thinks I am the reason he isn't with his ex, the one he believed he loved.  (Long story.  Maybe tomorrow and you can be the judge...jury, and executioner.)  I will remember that he said nothing between us mattered, that I'm only reasonably attractive, all of that and more.

I know that in order for things to work, I have to forgive and forget.  The forgiving is easier than the forgetting.  I worry that I will get to the point that I wear my hurt around my heart to protect it.  That's what happened with my ex.  And from there we were doomed.  Years of hurt make it really difficult to reach the heart.

He told me he loves me.  He told me that he doesn't want me to move out.  He reminded me that he's damaged, that he's giving me the best he's got.  Still, I wonder if that is enough.  Because today, it isn't.  Today, when I'm walking on egg shells, I'm not getting anywhere near enough.

And I wonder if I should stay or if I should go.  And I hate being this close to a new year and having so much up in the air.  And I wish that I were more settled, without actually settling.

So...unexpected

I watched him hobble into the house after working.  He was stiff and sore all over.  On the way home he had completed some work related errands.  I had dinner taken care of, but even that didn't seem to revive him.

man: I'm really sore.

me: I can tell.

And I rather gave up on the idea of us having any sexy time that evening.  We went about our business.  We visited with friends and neighbors.  We did some computer work.  It was our average evening at home.

Only as we lay there snuggling on the lounge chair, he suddenly looked at me and spoke the words I longed to hear.

man: I know you want to try the cock ring.  We can do it, if you'll do all the work.

All I heard was that I got top.  Yay!

So while he puttered around in the kitchen, I went to our toy chest and pulled out the cock ring.  I paused for a moment.  And then I grabbed the lube, the new masturbator, and a new movie, too.  I came back to the bedroom feeling mighty triumphant.  It must have showed.  He laughed when he saw me.

man: Oh, I tried that out today.

He pointed at the masturbator.

me: Without me?  Did you finish?

man: Who starts and doesn't finish?

It's nice having him share everything with me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel betrayed when he has these moments that don't involve me.  I haven't had to take care of myself in so many weeks that I almost can't remember.  We've been so into it all together.  And I wonder if he'd feel the same way if I told him I had left him out.

So, I took off his pants and began working the cock ring onto him.  He had warned me, but it was obvious, the man needed to shave.  Badly.  Huh.  He's never really been lax in that department before.  I'm guessing too tired...although he seemed to muster the energy to masturbate.

And let me tell you, that cock ring hits me in all the right spots.  He isn't feeling it as much as he would like, so I'm guessing there will be more cock rings in a future purchase.  (The one I really wanted was on back order until after the holidays.  And I just didn't want to wait that long.)

It doesn't matter.  We like variety.  We're having a lovely time trying these things together.  Life is good.  And the sex...spectacular.

**Here's a tip: Don't be afraid to use a little lube to get the cock ring on.  And don't wait for him to be fully erect to get it on or it will be a real challenge.

The fun has arrived!

And he's not in a very fun mood.

How do I know?

Well, I texted him a picture of all the new toys and movies.  He didn't even respond.  And when he came home, he set his water jug right next to all the new toys.  And he didn't even notice.

me: Okay, I guess I'll put our new toys away in the chest...

man: What toys?  Oh, they came.  Where are they?

So, I walked him, rather indulgently, into the kitchen where I had them all displayed.  He opened some of the packages.  And he looked at everything.  And he didn't seem interested.

Oh, well.  Apparently we're not going to have the sexcapade I had envisioned.  *sniffle  sniffle*  I had been picturing it for so long.  He had seemed pretty intrigued, too.

Needless to say, I will have to tell you some other time about how we liked the new vibrating cock ring.  It's his first.  And I'll have to tell you later about the new warming lube, the new masturbator, the new movies, my first remote controlled bullet, and all the other goodies they crammed into our mailbox.

Again, I expect I will have nothing but lovely things to say about Adam & Eve.  They spoil me.  It should be illegal to get so much great stuff for so little money.  Check them out.  You won't be disappointed.

Question 205

It's a slow night.  (We work.  We can't do it ALL the time.)

Time to reach into my bag of tricks and answer another question from The Book of Questions: Love and Sex.  I like things that make me think.  And this one really caught my eye.

Question 205:   What is the most unpleasant sexual experience you can recall?  In what ways do you think this experience has had a positive influence on your life?  a negative influence?

I suppose I'm lucky.  I don't really have a lot of negative sexual experiences.  I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I don't just sleep with anyone.  I'm reasonably selective.  There have been lots of guys that I could have slept with and didn't.

What I discovered early on was that the experiences I regretted were the ones that I didn't really intend to happen.  It wasn't that I would consider these situations to be those akin to date rape.  It's more like I was too shy to say 'no.'  I was too worried about being liked to protest.  And in those situations, the guys didn't really care if I was enjoying myself.

So, I learned to pick my partners better.  I learned to be a better lover so that the men I was with were better lovers as well.  I learned to speak up more.  I learned to say 'no.'  And now, with my man, I've become even more vocal.  I've learned to share what I like and what I want.  It makes a world of difference.


Okay, I fessed up.  Now your turn.

The best way to go to bed early

Sunday night my man was tired.  As well he should have been.  We had a really busy weekend.  We were both feeling it.

We planned to be in bed for the night by 10:30pm, which is really early for us.  Only by 9pm, he was struggling to stay awake.  I was mildly disappointed.  I have trouble falling asleep if I go to bed too early.  And there is nothing more frustrating than lying in bed waiting to be overcome with sleep.

We went through our normal ritual.  There was teeth brushing and undressing.  There was picking a show to watch while we fell asleep.  And there was sex.

Oh, yeah, I was surprised, too.  Even more, I am surprised that it has become something of our ritual.  I'm thrilled with our loving, passionate sex life.

Suddenly, he's a fan of lube.  Suddenly, we have almost nightly sex.  Suddenly, he is embracing talking dirty.  (He's getting better.)

See, I love words.  They are my crack.  And I love when he talks to me about the many sexual acts he wants to perform with me, or imagines sharing with me and our third.  I can almost get off on the words alone.  (He has a great voice.)

So he told me how he might want to just sit back and watch me with the other girl for a while.  He told me how he might want to titty fuck her.  He told me he might want to hit it from the back while I ate her out.  (I have a lot to learn...)

And I rode him while he talked.  And then I had a long powerful orgasm, the kind that can really help a girl sleep, the kind that turns your legs to jelly while your inner thighs ache.  Oh so good!

An hour and a half after we went into the bedroom, I passed out with his leg slung over me, loved and warm.  Nothing could have beaten that.

How to handle morning wood

I always wake up before my man.  He's a sleeper, more of a night person.  Still, he woke with a huge
erection.

me: I can take care of that for you.

man: How?  You already showered.

me: So, I don't mind cleaning up again for that...

man: No, it's okay.

And yet as time went on while we talked, it became evident that he really needed some release.  He was edgy and pressed against his hard on, or even grabbed it.

me: That's it.

And I removed my jeans and wiggled out of my black nylon boy shorts.  He watched expectantly as I came over to him and pulled back the blanket.

man: What are you doing?

me: Taking care of you.

In seconds, I had him in my mouth and I was using my hands.  I was determined to get him off.

man: That's good.  Just like that.

I told him recently that I really like his instructions and feedback.  We're so much happier in the bedroom now that we communicate and tell each other what pleases us.

Soon enough he was coming in my mouth.  Like the good girl I am, I swallowed.  Yeah, I know how to take care of my man.

A new kind of first

I am always up to try new things.  And this may sound really strange, but I've always wanted to hold it for him while he pees.

So, it's not terribly sexy, but I'm a girl.  I don't have a penis.  They are an object of deep fascination for me.  And so, I have at times, offered to help him pee.

It has taken so many stages.

First, he couldn't even pee with me in the same room.

Then, after some time living together, he managed it. 

So, to me, the next logical step would be to let me hold it.  (I never want us to number two in the same room.  I have my limits.  And some things should be left to the imagination.)

Last weekend, in a moment of absolute bravery, he offered to let me hold it.  And it went horribly wrong.  Pee on the walls.  Pee on the cabinet.  Pee on the floor.  Thank God, he was able to stop mid-stream or I can only imagine how much worse it could have been.

Then, last night, he decided to brave it again.

man: Don't pinch it.

me: I'm not pinching it.

man: You're pinching it.  Like this.

And he showed me how to hold it.  Who knew, but with his body in my way, I'm a lefty!

Then he gave me a key piece of information our last attempt lacked.

man: Now watch out.  It's going to kick up when I start.

Ah ha!  Guess what?  I did it!  Success.  Pee...in the TOILET! 

man: Remember.  Only shake it twice.  More than that and you're playing with it.

Damn.  Oh, but I still plan on playing with it later.  Heh heh heh.

Question 118

This comes from The Book of Questions: Love & Sex by Gregory Stock, ph.d.

I thought I might mix things up and take some inspiration from a book that is supposed to be a conversation started for couples.  Early in my relationship with my ex-husband, I would try to talk with him using this book.  It never really worked.  And so this book sat around collecting dust for many years.  Just the other day, however, I found it and dusted it off.

My man and I can talk about anything.  I think we'll have lots of fun with this book.  And soon.

In the meantime, I'll share these questions and my responses with you so that you can enjoy them, too.  (And maybe you'll want to use them with someone special...)


Now the question:

When and where did you lose your virginity?  Since then, what has been the longest time you have gone without sex?

Well, I was three days from my 17th birthday.  Yeah, I was a bit of a late bloomer by almost anyone's standards.  I was waiting for the right one.  You know?

And this was absolutely perfect.  We rented a cottage by the lake.  We stayed all afternoon going at it.  He had a three pack of condoms and I thought you had to use them all at once.  (I must have been his dream girl.)

After that, the longest I ever went without sex...about a month.  Yes, I went longer without in my relationship with my man than I ever went when I was single or married.  Ah, but not anymore.  We're in a good place.

Now you.  Come on.  You can tell me...

Sweet sweet Sunday

Sunday started off tame.  For a minute.

And then it was on.  On the couch.  All over the couch.

He's a gentleman.  He always lets me finish first.  And it was quite the finish, a quivering, shaking, filled with after waves finish.

And we changed our venue.  Off to our beloved lounge chair.  It was lovely.

That wasn't my favorite part.  My favorite part was later that afternoon.  We put the porn back on, right where we left off.  We opened our toy chest.  We're running low on lube.  Good thing we ordered some in our last Adam and Eve order. 

Then it was on.  We played a new game.  We pretty much acted out much of the video, performing with them.  When the woman on the porn was getting eaten out, so was I.  And he was so sexy about it.  He'd ask me what I liked, we're still learning, still exploring as we go.  I don't know a lot about what I like in that department.  All I know is that he's the only man who's been able to make me cum using just his tongue.  He's special.

He was quick to give me instructions.  It was awesome.  I love that.

man: Tighter.  Harder.  Faster.  Um.  Just like that.

It was so hot.  And when we finished, it was time to nap.  He held me like I was precious, with both arms wrapped around me.

We woke to eat dinner.  We quickly returned to the bed and snuggled.  And there was more sex.  Lots more sex.  That's what happens when he tries to convince me that it is a comfort thing to hold his cock while he falls asleep.  And I definitely want him to be comforted.

Never felt like I was settling

Sure, Saturday was supposed to be our first threesome, until our third backed out at the last minute.  Sure, we could have been really disappointed.  It didn't work out that way.

Instead, we had an amazing Saturday all to ourselves.

And it began the moment he woke up.  I had been working on the laptop next to him in bed.  He shoved my robe out of the way and asked me to flip over.  I like when he gets to the point.  He loves it doggie style.  And I love to please him.

Sex before breakfast.  I love working up an appetite.

Then a few hours later, we were going at it on the lounge chair.  I love that lounge chair.  We have so much fun in it.  And he liked mixing it up by having me finish him cowgirl.

Then it was time to run errands and get dinner.  As soon as we returned, he looked at me.

man: What if we go in the bedroom, turn on a porn, have sex, and then go hang out with friends?

Seriously, dinner and dessert?  I was in heaven.  Yes, heaven.

It's so amazing when he can't seem to get his fill of me.  I love all the touching.  I love that we keep changing it up.

man: See, we have amazing hot sex.  We don't need anyone else.  We don't need to rush this.  We're good.

Hell, yeah!  We're more than good.

Another glorious weekend

We had our set backs.  We had some plans, we thought.  And I was worried that the disappointment would set in and keep us from truly enjoying our alone time.

I shouldn't have.

It was amazing.  And it all began with Friday night.  At one point, early, maybe nine, he told me what he was thinking.

man: So, what if we go in the bedroom, throw on a porn, and I tie you up?

me: Let's go.

And so we went to the bedroom.  He tied me to what's left of our headboard.  (Long story.  Suffice it to say, we've done the light bondage thing before and he's strong when he's determined.  He really wanted to touch me.)

We picked a porn.  (Our selection should be growing by the end of the week.  We're getting another shipment from Adam & Eve.)

Next thing you know, he's pulled out my vibrator and some lube.  And he's using his tongue on me.  And I'm just about a quivering mess.  He must have loved the way I looked because he suggested we switch.

me: Be gentle with the headboard this time.

His response was pretty non-committal.  And then he upped the ante.  We played a game while I teased his cock with my mouth and tongue.

man: Let's play truth or dare.

We have had some amazing times with that game.  I love getting to know him better in a non-threatening way.  And I love our dares, so sexy.

What I love most is that our sessions last for hours.  We have yet to truly master the quickie.  Even our quickie is a good half an hour long.

man: See.  We have amazing sex.  We don't need to rush into a threesome or The Estate.  But someday, soon...

After the disappointment

We had a long talk.  The chick was still jerking us around Saturday morning.  By the time she finally decided against meeting up, I was completely over it.  All I was annoyed about was wasting time trying to hook up with her.  Endless emails.  Exchange of pictures.  Agreeing to the various terms.

It was too much.

And I was feeling this pressure.  I always feel like I'm disappointing him when things go wrong.  If there's anything I never want to do, it's disappoint him.

man: Let's hold off on that for a while.  I'm tired of all the Craigslist bullshit.

me: I thought you really wanted this.

man: We'll hold off on that for now.  Maybe in a little while we'll try The Estate.

And I was surprised.  We had talked about The Estate.  We had a lot of concerns.  I picture people running around naked.  I picture people having sex all over the place.  I picture aggressive men and women coming on to both of us.  And I imagine I will be really nervous, and clingy, and uncomfortable.  Maybe.

Or maybe I'll be the confident one, channeling that for both of us, helping us to navigate our way through the place.  Maybe he'll be shy and bashful.  Maybe my emotions will be in check and I will welcome these strangers making advances and the women touching and talking to my man.  I can be very surprising sometimes.  That's why he keeps me.

We had a long IM the other night with a man who had been to The Estate.  It really made us feel a lot more comfortable about the idea.  He confirmed that there would be areas of nudity.  And there will be areas where people are having sex.  At the same time we won't feel pressured.  And it should be a place where we can find a nice couple to play with in a less public place.

Yes, I may write about all our crazy sexcapades, but that doesn't mean I want loads of people watching us.  If I was into that, we'd be working a cam site to make some money.  And given our creativity and passion, we'd be making a pretty penny, too.

And--we're off--again!

Things were really heating up.  We were having some really spicy emails.  I was coming home all hot and bothered.  My man wasn't in the mood so much.  On the bright side, my toys always are!

And he doesn't mind when I pleasure myself.  I think he likes it.  Still, he has yet to watch me do it.  I'm not sure whether that's more about my being self-conscious, or that he knows his presence would disrupt the entire experience.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll like it.

We might have a chance to find out.  Know why?

Simple.  We won't be getting together with her this weekend.  Yup.  Once again, she is backing out.  So it's something like...fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice...

And I'm done with her.  We're done with her.  We planned.  We prepared.  Now...done.

Any ideas?  Where ever will we find a third?  Or...a same room, no swap couple.  I'm not terribly picky any more.

Oh, and The Estate is sounding more and more intriguing.  Come back and I'll tel you why.

Psyched for Saturday

It seemed we weren't getting any decent responses from our newest ads.  We had one woman who ended up being a picture collector.  (Probably not even a woman.)  And we had people that he just couldn't consider having sex with.  (Admit it.  There has to be some kind of attraction.)

So I did something I didn't think I was going to do.  I reached out to the first girl, the girl that decided she was more of a lesbian than a bi-sexual.  And the results were ideal.

She was still seeing the woman that she had been, but she wasn't really into her.  She still wanted to hook up with me, with us.

It seems like it's going to be on for Saturday.  Yup, just one short day away.

Don't worry.  I double checked.  I made sure that we were still working with the same terms.

Yup.  She'd still be coming to our place.  Yup.  She was still eager to play with me, and willing to use her mouth and hands on my man.  (I can't believe I'm using those words.  I can't believe I'm kinda okay with that.)  And, yes, there will still be toys.

I'm excited.  And yet as I think about it.  I'm also nervous and maybe a bit scared.  Luckily, I can dig deep.  I can work through it.  I hope.

So, I ended up back in the living room...(continued from yesterday...)

Yes, the text messages were too much.  I was intrigued.  And it was such an inadequate method of communication at the moment.

So far they had revealed that the wife was very horny.  And my man was passed out.

Then I asked about whether or not the wife might teach me, since I had never been with a woman.  Just in case we decided to actually follow through with this.  I wanted an idea of what to expect.  Were we really just doing same room no swap sex, or would the guys live the dream and see their women getting frisky together?

They were both interested in that concept.  And that's why I ended up back in the living room.  It was a short walk.  And as much as I hate to pull myself away from him when he's all sweet and warm and snuggly, I had to talk to them.

They were still awake in the living room, playing on the Wii.  And they were both happy to see me in my bathrobe.  Just my bathrobe.

We talked.  Man, did we talk.

We talked about porn.  (The husband has a bit of an addiction.)  I explained that I don't mind it when used properly.  (And lately, we are definitely using it properly.)  They looked as though a light had just gone on in a new room in their heads.

We talked about the same room sex.  The wife was nervous.  She was a bit shy about her body.  I completely get that.  I'm the same way.  The only thing that gave me some confidence was that I knew they liked my boobs through a shirt and would LOVE them naked.

So, I told the wife that I thought she was gorgeous.  She does have an incredible face.  And unlike me, she is photogenic.

That's when I received the biggest surprise.  Earlier, my man had picked up the husband's phone when he dropped it.  And he was warned not to open the flip phone.  We had smiled at each other then.  And I whispered that apparently we weren't the only ones who took naughty pictures.
 
The husband passed me the phone.  'Open it,' he suggested.

I did.  It was a naked boob shot, faceless, just like mine.

me: Very nice.

And I wasn't lying.  They were surprisingly nice.  I wouldn't have guessed how nice.  Now I was a little turned on.

The wife was embarrassed and curled up on the couch.  So, I went to bed.  For a while I laid there and thought about what a mistake I had made.  I had seen her naked boobs.

In the morning, when her husband was in the bathroom, I remedied that.  I loaded a picture of my boobs on the monitor and called her over.

wife: WOW.

It was so worth it.

He said it out loud

It may have been the alcohol.  No.  It must definitely have been the alcohol.

Somehow, my seriously bashful man put it all out there.  He opened the door and rushed through it, dragging ME a little tentatively behind.  Yup.  That's what he did.

We were hanging out with our best couple friends.  His long time friends.  People who have known him for the better part of close to ten years.  People who love me to death.  People I have only known for the better part of three years.  Highly religious married people.

Have I set the stage well enough, yet?

We're drinking.  We're playing Wii.  And then he looked at me.

man: What do you think about them?

me: What do you mean what do I think?

Only really my eyes grew wide and I knew.  Oh crap.  He was going to ask them.  The wife was bi and the husband loves porn.  In his mind, perfect fit.

me: Let's go talk.

So we went out to our screen porch while there were thankfully oblivious to our discussion.  He was feeling frisky, obviously.  And he was dying to try new things.  Our only concern: ruining the friendship.

Soon we were in the house.  And we were toasting.  And he just blurted it out.

man: So what do you think about same room no swap sex?

And given that they clearly have not explored this lifestyle with the same enthusiasm we had been for the last month or so, they were baffled and justifiably shocked.  It was up to me to do damage control.

me: What he means is...

And so we talked.  And they listened.  And they seem to be in.  Seriously.

With any luck and a good bit of alcohol, we will make our first foray into this new, exciting, and naughty lifestyle.  The guys tried to get us to kiss to seal the deal, but let's face it.  It was all too new.  And I think she was worried about pushing something on me.  And I was worried about seeming too eager.

My man went to bed.  I followed.  They were staying over because we all drank a bit too much.  And then my phone started chiming.  It was them, texting me from the living room.

How's that for a cliffhanger?

He's living the good life

Yes, so we're on our quest to have a special weekend...next weekend.  And you, of course, know what that means.  Yup.  We're still working on that threesome.

I have posted a new ad on Craigslist.  And a few hours after the posting, we received a response.  There were pictures.  And they were more than promising.  His reaction?

man: Yeah!  Let's do her!


Fantastic.  Finally he's excited.

And so I gave him that look.   You know the one.  It was the look that was supposed to demonstrate that he may have showed just a tad too much enthusiasm for this strange woman and her naked boobs. 

Still, we had to respond to her, with pictures.  And the problem is that we're discovering that people want face pics.  Maybe not a bad thing for him, but my face doesn't photograph well.  Oh, and girls want pics of his dick and he doesn't often photograph that at all. 

We looked through some pictures for just a few minutes.  It was evident that there were no good face pictures.  We wouldn't want to scare her away.  And we still needed a good dick shot.

See where we're going with this?

Yes, I gave my man a blow job just so we could have pictures for the response.  Damn, he's living the good life.  And when we told them later, our friends agreed.

Come back tomorrow to find out how that conversation started.  It'll be worth the trip, I assure you.

He's healed

We had a huge talk on Saturday night.  It was a good talk.  A really important talk.  And it needed to be done.

me: You've been really distant lately.

man: I've been here.

me: This has nothing to do with geography.  And you know this. 

man: *sigh*

me: I've been talking to a blog friend.  (Thank you, KC!) And I understand that you're stressed about money.

man: All I can think about right now is providing for us.

me: And I get that, but don't push me away.  Don't keep that between us.  When things are really bad, really stressful in my life, I know I can get through it if we're good.  As long as you're close, I can survive anything.

He melted a lot then.  He snuggled me close.  And soon, he was really back to normal, really all mine all over again.

man: So, you want to bring the computer into the bedroom...

Oh, yeah.  We went at it.  And I can attest, after incredibly close inspection, that he is functioning at full capacity once more.  So, you know I'm happy.  And you know my stress level is more manageable.  And you may have even guessed that we're into planning a special weekend once more.

man: Thank you for getting my sex drive back.

Oh, no, baby.  The pleasure is all mine.  Thank you.

So, I've resorted to masturbating

Yes, that's what you do when you are in desperate need while part of a loving committed relationship.

Now, mind you, I don't think I should ever BE in desperate when I'm in a loving committed relationship.  I, personally, believe that as long as you are physically able, you should be able to fulfill each others needs, thereby making solo masturbation a thing of the past.

See, it's not that I think there is anything wrong with masturbating.  I love it when I can convince him to masturbate in front of me...to start...or sometimes to finish.  I love watching him get all aroused.  I join in. I help.  It's a team effort that I find very exciting.

And goodness knows he loves watching me touch myself.  When I have my hand down there stimulating my clit while he is pumping into me, watching, he tells me how hot it is.  Man, I love making that man hot.  Umm hmmm.

So, here were are, during our drought, and I'm suffering.  Alone.  I've written about how the money stresses are impacting us.  And I've written about how he broke his business during our very erotic constantly going at it spell.  (Gawd I miss that!  So very much.) 

Now, I'm forced to do something that I really hate.  Ummm.  Okay, I don't hate it, I just prefer intimacy with him than by myself.  You know?

I guess I figure it's the lesser of the evils.  At least that's what he told me when I caught him masturbating to online porn behind my back.  It was the catalyst started it all.  All of this.  The blog.  The change in our lifestyle.  Everything.

We'll make it through this.  We weather everything.  We stick no matter what.  Oh, it gets good and bumpy sometimes.  I have started packing on more than one occasion.  Still, I stay because, ultimately, I love him and only him.  I want to be with him.  (And mostly only him-ish.)  And we are amazing together.  Most of the time.

So, I've asked him to heal by mid-week.  I've asked him to get in the mood soon.  Here's hoping he understands my needs and can dig deep to fulfill them because I want to fulfill all of his.  Forever.

My fantasies

We've spent a lot of time lately talking about all of his fantasies.  I know that in a perfect world, he has me and another woman.  I know that in his ultimate fantasy we enjoy a wildly erotic threesome and then go home to have more sex just the two of us, while we take in what we just did.

Yeah.  I know a lot about what he wants from me and the other woman.  I know a lot about his dreams and expectations.  I know this because he shares.

Know what, though?

We don't talk about what I want.  He's never really asked.  And I guess I never thought about it before.

What do I want?  What are my fantasies?

And I guess I want something different.  My fantasies aren't sexual at the moment.  My fantasies are purely emotional.  In my fantasy, I'm enough.  He doesn't want anyone but me ever.  He lavishes me with kisses.  He holds me close, tenderly.  He is completely overcome with desire.  And then he makes mad, passionate love to me.

Weird, huh?

I'll tell you why this is my fantasy.  It's pretty simple.

We fuck all the time.  We have serious sex.  We play porns on the laptop and on the DVD player.  We try new toys.  We enjoy lots of positions.  And I like that.  I really do.  No, I mean, I REALLY DO.

It's just that once in a while, I would love for us to do it and for me to feel how much he loves and desires me.  Chances are, it's my fault.  I haven't asked for it.  I have allowed us to go at it like animals when sometimes I just want to be loved.

That's my fantasy.  And if I'm willing to go above and beyond to keep our relationship spicy, I think he should be willing to make my dreams come true, too.

I'll ask.  And I'll let you know.

It's raining opportunities

And we don't seem to be going after any of them.

In some ways, I understand why.  He's focused on work right now.  He's focused on trying to find work.  Business has been abysmally slow.  And it is creating a great deal of stress.

I don't know about you, but when I am under stress, there's nothing I like better than some amazing sex.  Sex makes me feel better.  And--it's free!

Yes, it is free entertainment.  We can go in the bedroom, have an incredible romp, forget about our troubles for a little while and bond.  I love the intimacy that comes from some great sex.

Only he's different from me.  Stress affects his sex drive.  And when he's stressed, there's no sex.  Nope.  We're not having sex right now.

We went from having TONS of sex, wake up in the middle of the night because I had to have you sex, can't wait for you to come home from work because I need to have you sex, let's not leave the house all weekend because all I want to do is take you every way possible sex, to no sex.  NO SEX.

And let me tell you about sex-less Lexi.  She's a bitch.  She is tense.  She is over-sensitive.  She hates life.  She feels disconnected.  She feels empty and alone, unloved and unwanted.  She struggles not to run.  She struggles not to make a colossal mistake.  It's all she can do to not take a misterer.

I am a very sexual being.  Always have been.  Always will be.  And I need some.  Yesterday.  Hell, I need some every day.

So, how do I get him back on board?  I sent him sext messages today offering blow jobs and even the elusive butt hole.  (A rare and special gift, I assure you.)  He replied that I was nasty.  And given his lack of contact, I don't think he meant it in that really great way.

Any advice will be great appreciated and taken.

Finding a third...take two!

Yes, when we were in our frantic 'gotta find someone' stage, we were messaging women left and right.

We contacted women on Craigslist.  We contacted women on Rudester.  We contacted women on Nexxus.  We were really putting ourselves out there.  We were really making the effort.

And it seemed like no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we were willing to bend our standards, we simply couldn't find anyone.  All the women who claimed they wanted threesomes suddenly backed down, or never contacted us, or decided they were lesbians and not bi-sexual.  We were facing one disappointment after another.

Well, finally one of the first chicks we contacted has returned our message.  Now, it took her weeks, mind you.  And so it may take weeks for this to actually come to fruition, but I have to tell you, in my life, I have learned there are things that are simply worth the wait.

My man, now he was definitely worth the wait.  I went through a ridiculous amount of BS in relationships and my marriage.  And now, we are in a great place.  All the junk from our past has simply fallen away.

It took time.  And work.  And patience.  All I know is that I would do it all again because of where we are now.

Thank you, all of you who keep telling me to be patient, that this threesome will happen, that the right chick will come along.  I believe you may be right.

My dark past

In my first marriage, we lacked so much.  He wasn't faithful, for one thing.  The result was that I was a little more adventurous than I might have been.

We ended up finding a couple that we spent a great deal of time with.  The ex had a bit of a fixation on the wife.  And the husband had a thing for me.

Okay, the husband had such a huge thing for me that he considered, and even asked me, to leave our respective spouses and be together.  Ummm.  That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  I'm not really a home wrecker.  And while I was unhappy, rightfully so, I didn't think he really was.

I was new and different.  I was a toy he'd never had before.  He had been with his wife since they were teenagers.  She was the only woman he'd ever been with.  And I didn't see us being something permanent.  And I didn't want us to be something permanent.  I was friends with both of them.

Why do I bring all of this up now?  Well, it's something that has been on my mind ever since we have discussed having threesomes, bringing in other couples.  I guess in the back of my mind, I can't help but remember that in my past, there have been times that I have tried similar experiences with disastrous results.

I'm no longer married.  That had less to do with those particular experiences and more to do with our incompatibilities finally catching up with us.  And we never swapped with this other couple.  The closest we came was sex in the same hot tub.

Still, I would be crazy not to consider the ramifications before I jumped into another potentially relationship damaging situation.  And so I wonder over all the ways to relationship proof our relationship.  I wonder over the steps to take to ensure that we are always happy and good together.

And I'm realizing that it should probably have started with me not cursing him out a few minutes ago for turning on the light when I was trying to sleep.  And I probably also shouldn't have matched him insult for insult after that.  And I know that I'm better than that, that we're better than that.  We are.  At the same time, his recovery days kill us.  That first day where he stops drinking cold turkey about kills me.  He's mean and distant.  And I know that it is simply a result of being hung over.  And I know that in a few days he'll be fine, mine all over again, but still, I have trouble accepting the distance.

I miss him.  And I want to make sure that the missing him is always a temporary condition.  And that's why I'm so excited about the woman who finally contacted us.