Thursday, December 30, 2010
What will it take?
What will it take for us to be okay again?
See, I have an eye for details, the kind of deeply honed attention that can only have developed from years of being cheated on. Yes, I'm not proud. I stayed too long in my first marriage. And now I'm deeply damaged.
So, when I returned home today and discovered that there was no history on my computer, but that Craigslist was open, I knew he had enjoyed some solo happy time. And I resent that, since we haven't had sex since the half-hearted make-up sex on Sunday night. And I know that he used the newest masturbator that he loves so much. I was clued in to that first by the laundry basket that was sitting askew on our toy chest, and then by the water dripping from his toy.
No, I don't miss much. Hell, I don't miss anything. Unfortunately, I have years of practice. Too many years. And now, I don't ask. And I've warned him that when I do ask, I usually already know the answer, so he best not try to lie to me.
And I worry that these learned behaviors may sabotage our future and our happiness. I worry that these analytical behaviors that have me second guessing everything may ruin us. Still, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let go.
At the same time, all I need to be okay with us again is for him to haul me into his arms, kiss me passionately, or ask me to have sex. Any kind of sex. I need the closeness. I need to feel him in me. I need to hear his breathing, see his face, watch his expressions. God, I love that. I know him well enough now to anticipate the reactions and recognize when he's close.
Part of the problem may be that my emotions are a bit on over drive. I'm late. Yes, that late. It could be stress. God knows we've been under enough of it. And it could be nothing. Still, we've talked about having a baby...maybe even babies. And I kind of want it to be something. At the same time, the timing...not great.
Think of me.