Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My dark past

In my first marriage, we lacked so much.  He wasn't faithful, for one thing.  The result was that I was a little more adventurous than I might have been.

We ended up finding a couple that we spent a great deal of time with.  The ex had a bit of a fixation on the wife.  And the husband had a thing for me.

Okay, the husband had such a huge thing for me that he considered, and even asked me, to leave our respective spouses and be together.  Ummm.  That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  I'm not really a home wrecker.  And while I was unhappy, rightfully so, I didn't think he really was.

I was new and different.  I was a toy he'd never had before.  He had been with his wife since they were teenagers.  She was the only woman he'd ever been with.  And I didn't see us being something permanent.  And I didn't want us to be something permanent.  I was friends with both of them.

Why do I bring all of this up now?  Well, it's something that has been on my mind ever since we have discussed having threesomes, bringing in other couples.  I guess in the back of my mind, I can't help but remember that in my past, there have been times that I have tried similar experiences with disastrous results.

I'm no longer married.  That had less to do with those particular experiences and more to do with our incompatibilities finally catching up with us.  And we never swapped with this other couple.  The closest we came was sex in the same hot tub.

Still, I would be crazy not to consider the ramifications before I jumped into another potentially relationship damaging situation.  And so I wonder over all the ways to relationship proof our relationship.  I wonder over the steps to take to ensure that we are always happy and good together.

And I'm realizing that it should probably have started with me not cursing him out a few minutes ago for turning on the light when I was trying to sleep.  And I probably also shouldn't have matched him insult for insult after that.  And I know that I'm better than that, that we're better than that.  We are.  At the same time, his recovery days kill us.  That first day where he stops drinking cold turkey about kills me.  He's mean and distant.  And I know that it is simply a result of being hung over.  And I know that in a few days he'll be fine, mine all over again, but still, I have trouble accepting the distance.

I miss him.  And I want to make sure that the missing him is always a temporary condition.  And that's why I'm so excited about the woman who finally contacted us.

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