Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I really had nothing to write about. Sure, there was a little half-hearted make-up sex. It was a lot like the half-hearted make-up. In fact, after the other day, I'm not sure we're going to make it.
There's a lot I haven't told you about my man. There's a lot I haven't told anyone, as a matter of fact. Ah, but the anonymity this blog provides...definitely allows me the opportunity to vent.
I think it's safe to say this will be my least sexy post EVER. Sorry for that.
Here goes. My man is a bit of a drinker. It has never been a real issue. He's not abusive, exactly. He's normally pretty fun and super affectionate. And for someone like me who craves the TLC, I like when he has a nice buzz going.
Well, his last buzz started on Thursday and ended rather badly Sunday night. Yes, the night after Christmas. Only, the trouble didn't start at home. Nope, we had problems when we went sledding. It all started because I didn't want to go. And if I had to go, I didn't want to participate. I love sledding, but there is a limit to the weather I will participate in said event in. Trust me, too cold.
That's when he announced on the top of the hill that we were through. Yes, because I wouldn't sled. Then he announced we were leaving and he was moving in with his father. All because I was cold. About then he rushed down the hill and wiped out in the parking lot. It was ugly. His side is purple and scraped. That really didn't help his mood.
We came home and he told me to get out. I told him I couldn't until my taxes arrived. It is his house. The night only grew worse from there. He called his father and asked if he could move in. His father spoke with me and knew that his son was over-reacting about something.
me: It's because I wouldn't sled.
And so he went to bed. After being really ugly. He lost his phone. I took his keys. (He had threatened to drive.) He woke up a few hours later and was busy looking for his phone, still pissed off. I waited it out an hour before he calmed down enough to speak to me.
He claims he wants us to stick it out. He claims he wants to at least give it a go until my tax return arrives. He claims that by then we will have worked through this. All will be well.
Ah, but I was sober. I remember everything. EVERYTHING. I will remember that he told me we weren't a good couple, that he wasn't attracted to me, that the lack of attraction was the reason for the porn and the attempt at threesomes. I will remember that he thinks I am the reason he isn't with his ex, the one he believed he loved. (Long story. Maybe tomorrow and you can be the judge...jury, and executioner.) I will remember that he said nothing between us mattered, that I'm only reasonably attractive, all of that and more.
I know that in order for things to work, I have to forgive and forget. The forgiving is easier than the forgetting. I worry that I will get to the point that I wear my hurt around my heart to protect it. That's what happened with my ex. And from there we were doomed. Years of hurt make it really difficult to reach the heart.
He told me he loves me. He told me that he doesn't want me to move out. He reminded me that he's damaged, that he's giving me the best he's got. Still, I wonder if that is enough. Because today, it isn't. Today, when I'm walking on egg shells, I'm not getting anywhere near enough.
And I wonder if I should stay or if I should go. And I hate being this close to a new year and having so much up in the air. And I wish that I were more settled, without actually settling.