Monday, July 25, 2011

It's been a while

I haven't written on this blog in months.  And I was kind of surprised when I peeked in to see what was happening.  I haven't even checked the email.

Yes, I've been on hiatus.

We have had our ups and downs.

And I'd needed to have some time to myself to sort it all out.

My man cheated.  Correction.  He tried to cheat.  It was a fuck buddy he'd had for years.  And I was devastated.  He was pleased with himself.  He hadn't been able to get it up, so in his mind...not a cheat.  That she spent FOREVER blowing him and trying to get him ready...didn't count.

Only I was pretty sure it would have counted if it had been the other way around.  And I didn't know how to get past it.  I didn't know how to get through this.  I didn't even want to be with him anymore at that point.  Forget about all our hopes and dreams.  It was too much.

We split up.  He went to stay with his father.  I was going to stay at the house until my tax return would afford me more options.  After a few days he came back. He missed his things.  And in reality, he missed me.  I knew it.  Still it wasn't enough.

We talked.  We always had that going for us.  Only I couldn't handle being with him.  I couldn't handle the life he seemed to want.

All I ever wanted was to be enough.  I wanted to be the only woman he wanted and loved.  I wanted to be it for him.  In my mind...I wasn't.

He had to convince me otherwise.  He tried.  Really hard.  I would try to come around a little.  There were conditions.  I had to know that the other girls were gone.  I had to be enough.

We're healing.  We're getting there.  Our sex life needs work.  It was best when we were going through our sexploration.  Now, however, he is so focused on getting ahead and making money that we don't connect the same way we have in the past.

And I realized that I am different for him.  Sex isn't a big deal to him.  It isn't deep and meaningful.  For him, the closeness he has with me, being able to hold me, the way he kisses me, that matters.  So, I shouldn't complain.  But sometimes I do.  I want it all.

I want marriage.  I want our baby.  I want an incredible sex life and a forever relationship. 

We're getting closer...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The first time makes all the difference

I think the quality of your first time makes all the difference in how you feel about sex for pretty much the rest of your life.  At least, that's the idea I carried with me through my teens.  And that's why I made sure my first time was good and special.

It was the summer before my senior year...Fourth of July, in fact.  My boyfriend and I had been dating for all of a month after a year of flirting and friendship.  We were madly, passionately, in teenage love.  It was the kind of love where we would just lie around and stare into each other's eyes.  It was the kind of love where we would make out for hours and I would be slick and wet and wanting.  It was the kind of love where I wasn't afraid to have sex. 

So, when we were away for a day trip to an amusement park, just the two of us, and the sky opened up on us, it wasn't such a stretch that we would end up...making other plans.  In my mind, I knew what was going to happen, but I still was nervous.  There's no reclaiming one's virginity.  Once it's gone, it is something of a done deal. 

Still, we stopped at a pharmacy.  He double parked in his frustration to get our day going.  He ran in and picked up snack food, a rose, and condoms.  I knew what we were in for once I was handed the rose.  It was a lovely gesture.  He was great with gestures.  No one has quite measured up since, except for my man.  The difference is that my first, his gestures were all monetary.  And my man, his gestures are all actions.  I think I prefer actions.

Our next stop was at a cottage rental place.  And when he hopped back in the car, we drove to a cottage on the lake.  Pretty freakin' perfect, huh?

Then we went inside.  He sat on the bed.  I was...circling it nervously.  He took my hands in his and looked me in the eye. 

first: Listen, we don't have to do anything.  I just didn't know what else to do since it's raining.  We can just watch tv if you want.  No pressure.

So, naturally it was on after that.  He was the first guy I slept with.  He was the first guy I gave my heart.  It was special and good and right.

We undressed.  He undressed me.  There was plenty of awkward fumbling, even though I wasn't his first.  And there was a lot of kissing and touching.  Then it came the time that I most feared...penetration.  He eased his way in after plenty of fingering and stretching.  There was that painful tearing part.  It burned.  It hurt.  Some. 

He did want I had asked, what we had planned.  He just stayed there in me for a moment, letting me adjust to his presence.  Then he started moving slowly, and before I knew it, my hips were rising to meet his thrusts.  Then, it was over.  No, I didn't cum.  I was too busy feeling and analyzing and thinking my way through it.  I wanted to remember everything.

He let me sleep, all nestled against him.  It was bliss.  And when I was on.  Actually, it was on two more times.  He bought a three pack of condoms and naive innocent that I was, I thought we had to use all of them or they'd go to waste.  I came the second time, on top.  It's still my favorite position.  And I came the second time, too.

After that, I came pretty much every time.  I was a horny little thing.  Is it any wonder that guy wanted to marry me?  We didn't, of course.  Not many people marry their high school sweethearts.  I thought I would.  I probably should have, but I broke up with him a year or so later.    Long story.  Best saved for some other time. 

What matters is that I had an amazing first time.  I felt so loved and connected.  And I guess I still associate sex in a relationship with being loved and connected.  And that's why I miss my man sooo much.  We're three weeks into the drought.  He still holds me.  He still touches me.  I'm hanging in there.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A response...

Since I haven't been doing anything sexy lately, I haven't been checking my email.  Well, technically, it's our email.  It's the email that we have had for our feisty life.  It used to be so fun for us to check it throughout the day.

I would report to him, he would contact me.  It was one of the many ways that we stayed so connected.  I loved it.

Yeah, so I haven't been looking at it lately. and there, I have.  Clearly, however, he has no interest.  No interest in our email.  No interest in sex.  No interest in me...other than in a purely companionable way. 


I think I've taken it rather well.  Still, I miss the closeness.  I miss having him in me.  I miss having him fondle and play with me.  I miss fondling and playing with him. 

He still holds me nightly.  We still spoon.  He even frequently cups my boobs as we fall asleep.  It's good.  It's nice.  It's enough...for now.'s not. 

We had a a chick we contacted a month ago...on Rudester.  She would love a threesome.  She would love to give me a nice girl on girl experience.  And she loved my nipples. 

So now I have to wonder how I broach this subject, how I bring up the longing and the need.  I wonder if I can convince him to participate...or watch...or watch while I participate.  I need me some serious sex.  And we're just this side of the weekend.   Or as I like to think of it...three official weeks of drought.

Somehow...I will bring it up.  Just not right now so much.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The conversation went a little something like this

I know I seem to have fallen off the grid.  But it's damn hard to write about sex when you aren't having any.  Finally, I had to address the glowing neon pink elephant in the room.

me: Is it me?  Are you not attracted to me anymore?

man: No.  We just have a lot going on right now.  Sex isn't on my mind.

me: *sigh*

man: I've gone as long as six or eight months without sex when I've been going through changes.

I must have looked really alarmed at this point.  I remember letting my head hit the door frame as I leaned against it.  And I'm pretty sure there was more sighing and my eyes may have even filled with tears.

man: I'm not saying we will go six or eight months.

me: I can't do it.  Two weeks is about my limit.

man: I know.  You were masturbating last night.

me: What would you like me to do?  I can't go that long.

Seriously, I can't.  That was about my breaking point.  And he loves when I masturbate in front of him, so I suppose I was secretly hoping that it would turn him on, spur him to action.  No such luck.  In fact, he was annoyed so I had to take it to the living room.

man: It will get better.  Give me time to adjust.

I'm giving him time.  All I ever do is give him time.  It's the story of my life.  Being with him has been this amazing practice in patience.  And I worry that one of these days I'm going to tire of it and move on.  And I suppose I also worry that I won't.  I worry that I'll stay longer than I should, that I'll hold on when I should let go.

But I'm here now.  And I'm making the best of it...even if I do run out of things to write about.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Those who Those who can't...dream.

And so I've taken to dreaming about sex.  My man has been sick and under the weather for almost a week.  We are snuggly, but not so sexy.  That's completely understandable.

I'm going to have to guess that's why I've taken to dreaming about sex.  Last night's dream was particularly steamy.  Apparently, I've also taken to dreaming about things that NEVER actually happen between us.  Totally a-typical.  Completely awesome.

I started to tell my man about the dream.  His first concern.

man: Who was the sex with?

me: You.

He seemed satisfied for a moment.  Then a new thought came to mind.

man: Just me?

me: Yes, just you.

WE have amazing sex.  Why is that so hard for him to believe?

In my dream, he walked into the room, looked at me, and asked if he could make mad passionate love to me.  (See, total dream.  He would never suggest that we ever make love.)

He was loving and passionate.  His hands roamed all over my body, stroking, teasing and tempting.  It was so good I could almost feel it.  (Of course, it helps that he does roam all over my body while he sleeps.)

What struck me most about the dream was the intensity.  He was so in love with me.  He was so intent on me and our shared passion.  He was absolutely perfect.

And I teased him.  He had to train me to smile during sex.  When we first started having sex, I was always so completely overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through me that I suppose I looked as though I was in pain.  He would urge me to smile.  He would even smile lovingly down on me. 

Now, we smile all the time.  We smile and moan and talk.  Sometimes the talk is a little dirty.  Sometimes, the talk is affectionate.  Mostly, he urges me to orgasm.

Maybe soon, I won't have to dream and we'll have some serious sex.  Until then...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Long time, no write

I know.  I've been bad.  I've also been very busy.

And I haven't been very sexy lately.  This, of course, means that I haven't been having any sex at all.  Believe it or not.  I'm good with that.  I am.

We're in a great place.  For the first time in a really long time, I am completely confident and secure in our relationship.  We can have our brief little arguments and then they are over.  We are thisclose.  Seriously.

It's about time.

I think about how far we've come and how far we have to go.  There's talk about moving and chasing our dreams in a new city and state.  I love adventures. 

Mostly, my man has been ill.  And we all know that there's no sexy when you're sick.  He's on the mend now.  Finally.  And we're good.  We're so good that he was even talking sexy to me as he was falling into bed half asleep.  Yup.  That's pretty good.

No doubt there will be some sexiness soon.  I'll let you know...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

He made my fantasy come true

I wrote about how my fantasies were different from his.  All of his fantasies involved threesomes with another girl or couples things.  He wanted us to get a little crazy.  I wanted us to incorporate toys.  He wanted to incorporate porn.  Still, I had one fantasy.  I wanted to be enough.

Throughout my entire marriage, I never felt like I was enough.  My ex cheated on me a lot, with alarming frequency.  There was always someone else.  And so it wore on my ego.  It broke down my confidence.  It made me a shadow of my former self.  All I've ever wanted was to be enough.
So, when we started talking about doing the things we've talked about doing, it was another affirmation that I still wasn't enough.  Maybe I would never be enough for anyone.  I was the one they all wanted to keep, but it was all about having their cake and eating it, too.

We pressed forward.  We tried lots of new things.  With mixed results.

And somehow, it has been good.  We have made some mistakes.  We rushed things to get anything going.  It could have really blown up in our face.  Instead, we're good.  We're still together and in love.

Then came last night.

We had a talk.  We have lots of talks.  Only this talk was extra special because he said something I never thought I'd hear.  He made my fantasy come true.

man: I don't want to look for another girl right now.  Let's forget about that for a while.  We don't need that.  We're good.  We have amazing sex.  I hope I'm not letting you down, but I want it to be just us for a while.

me: I'm enough?

man: Yeah, babe.  You're enough.  You're more than enough.

And he meant that in the best way.  It wasn't a jab at my weight.  It was genuine.  We're good.  And I don't care if it's just the two of us forever.  That's what I've always wanted.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Getting back to my sexy self

I am notorious for winter weight.  I can’t help.  Okay, I could, I just don’t get too crazy with it.  

Like most people, in the winter, I tend to hibernate more.  I sleep more.  I exercise less.  I eat…the same.

And it takes its toll.  I am curvy by nature.  When I am at an ideal weight, I have a really lovely hourglass figure.  When I’m not, the hourglass is larger.  In the south, they would refer to me as ‘thick.’  (Not truly fat, but not thin, either.)

And now it’s closing in on February.  Spring comes early to the south.  Within two months I will have shed the extra layers of clothing that cover my unsightly extra layers of weight.  We can’t have Lexi looking anything less than sexy when that happens, right?

So, I’m dieting.  And soon I’ll be forced to incorporate exercise.  (Because I need to add one more thing to my already packed day.)  There will be results.  The good thing is that I can usually maintain really well.  (Although that begs the question…if that’s true, why do I need to lose weight?  Nevermind.)

I can’t wait to get thinner.  Let me tell you why.  My man is attracted to me no matter what because of the connection we have.  Oh, but when I’m thinner and hotter, look out!  And so, I think I need to attach some goals and rewards to this new program. 

I think after the first ten pounds, there should be some sextacular experience.  And again after each ten pound increment.  I plan to lose a good thirty pounds.  I think.  Could be more.  Could be less. 

Then…maybe, just maybe…I’ll show real pictures of Sexy Lexi and let you judge for yourself. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Getting your freak on with foreign objects

I don't understand it.  And this is coming from the woman who owns a dildo, a crystal dildo, an array of vibes, a vibrator, and a bullet.  Please note, when I refer to foreign objects, I don't mean those.

Instead, I am referring to things like gerbils or bottles or brushes.

We have an account on Rudester.  After browsing through pictures on there, we located one woman with a penchant for sticking bizarre foreign objects in her pussy.  The list is impressive.  Ready?

  • broom handle
  • champagne bottle
  • beer bottle
  • light saber (which means there's a kid somewhere playing with it!  Ewwww!)
  • vacuum handle
All I know is that I'll stick to my Adam and Eve products.  They seem...safer and sanitary.  They are shatter proof.  No kid will ever play with them.  They don't double as a cleaning product.

Somehow, I don't think this makes me dull and boring.  Nope.  I think it makes me sane and hygienic.  I have way more respect for my vag than to do anything to jeopardize it.  And I'm good with that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A toy with potential

We looked at it.  We added the required batteries.  We gave it a teeny tiney test drive.
Now, it’s time to get serious.

Oh, but here’s what we discovered during the test drive.
  • The bullet vibrates like crazy. 
  • We love the remote…that he controls.
  • Having it on a leash means so much more potential.  He can pull it in and out.  In and out.  Well, you get the idea.
  • Using the leash, the bullet can be dangled and dragged over some highly sensitive areas with pleasant results.  (A happy clit is a good clit.)
  • With the bullet on the leash, there’s still room for him.  Then we can both enjoy the good, good, good, good vibrations!  (Not sure that’s what the Beach Boys had in mind.  Oh, but it is on my mind.)
And so I’m eager to go butt crazy wild with that thing.  We are gonna have so much fun.  I’m thinking multiple orgasms. 

Go get you one…  (A bullet and an orgasm, of course.)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Making up is fun to do

We spent the better part of the weekend connecting.  It was lovely.

He said the nicest things to me, reassuring me that we were in this forever.  He let me know that he was still wildly attracted to me.  He reminded me of all the many things he loved about me.

And I soaked it all in.  It was easy.  It was everything I wanted to hear and even more what I wanted to believe.

We spent a lot of time getting the the living the man cave.  Yes, we like to spread it around.  A change of scenery is always pleasing.  And it was scenic.

For some reason, his favorite thing to do, it seemed, was eat me out.

Well, stick to what you're good at, I say.  And he is damn good.  Because it is such an intimate act, I have let very few people even go down on me.  But him, it seemed almost natural our first time.  There have been so many times since.  Each time seems better than the last.  And for good reason...

He asks what I like.  He wants to please me.  And it is so fun discovering what I like.  I know, by now I should know, but I don't.  So, we're learning together.

We started Saturday evening in the bedroom with him enjoying me there.  And I was soooo close.  Later, we went and talked in the man cave.  I love the way he speaks so matter of factly to me.

man: Why don't you take off your pants so I can eat you out?

me: Well, okay.

And he spent about half an hour between my legs, licking and sucking  and nuzzling until I finally released.  It was amazing.  I was so swollen that I didn't think I could even move.  I was sore well into Sunday.

Sometimes, sore is so good.  It means that you were loved right.  And that man does know how to show he loves me.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I'll take that bet

It all started on the drive home from running some errands.

man: I don't know why anyone would drive a four door Accord.  They look so much better as a two door.

And then somehow he mentioned that one of our neighbors had one.  And I disagreed.

me: No, she has a Nissan Altima.

He laughed at me.  And then he asked that age old question.

man: Wanna bet?

I never back down.  I just make sure that the bets are all win-win!

me: What are we betting?

man: $100.

me: Please.  We're not betting money.

And so the bet was revised.  If he won, he'd get a blow job.  If I won, he's go down on me.  See?  Win-win!

man: I hope the car is in the driveway when we get home.

Sure enough.  And my man will be getting a blow job.  And I don't mind.

Things have been a little tense over the last two days.  We haven't been having sex because of it.  I let him know that I was missing it.  I really am.  And I haven't even turned to masturbating because I really just want him.  He's worth the wait.  Always has been.  Always will be.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I was thinking

We're making a concerted effort to get through all of this right now.  We agreed to a month free of She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.  We aren't talking about her.  He's not talking to her.  It works for me.  We need time to heal.  We need time to mend our relationship.  Because most of the time, it's an amazing relationship.  Most of the time, we are the envy of all of our friends...and they don't even know the half of it.

Part of it stems, of course, from the connection we have and our amazing sex life.  It's always been that way.  And he's always been surprised when we finish at how good it was. 

man: That was some awesome sex.

me: I know.

man: We always have such great sex.

me: I know.

And after listening to him revel in it for a few minutes, I finally felt compelled to explain why.

me: You know why, right?  It's because it's not just your body.  When we have sex we're connected by our hearts and our minds as well.  It fulfills a whole lot of different needs.

And he thought about it.  In the end he agreed it hit him places he had never been hit before.  Close enough.  I know what I know.  And I know that most of the time, he comes around and sees things the way I do.

I thought about how we friends.  I thought about how I joked that when my ex finally moved out that I'd need to get a second job.  Hmm.  Maybe I'd work at Hooters.

me: Of course, no one wants to see 35 year old boobs.

And he proved me wrong.  Apparently he did. 

I'll never forget our first time.  We had been spending more and more time together.  And one night while watching a movie on the couch, he was testing.  I sat still, like you would with a deer, so as not to startle him.  I let him edge closer.  I let him lay his head on my shoulder.  I let him brush up against my boobs.  I met his gaze full on to show he could fondle away.

He was too timid.  Ah, but minutes later in the screened porch doorway, we were nuzzling and then we kissed, passionately.

man: What are we doing?

me: Kissing.

I knew that wasn't what he meant.  I knew he wanted to know my intentions, where we were going at the moment.  And I had no idea.  I just knew that my body had never responded to another body the way it responded to his.  And I liked it.  I wanted to see how far we would take it.

Minutes later, we took it right to the bedroom. 

Yeah, we turned the lights down low.  He undressed me as soon as he ripped off his clothes.  And we had the most intense sex ever.  (Well, the most intense sex I had ever had.  Since he was running things, I'm guessing we had it just the way he liked it.)  We tried position after position.  And it seemed natural.  There was none of that nervous awkwardness that comes from a first time.  It was fluid, like we had done this before, maybe for years even.  We were meant to be.

We're still meant to be. 

I told him not to be worried about fights.  Not every fight means the end.  Sometimes a fight is just a fight.  It means there are issues we have to work through.  I've taught him how to stick it out.  I've taught him there are things worth fighting for.

And he has taught me it's okay to let my freak out.  Here's to a fun and freaky weekend. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

The other woman

This isn't going to be the post I intended it to be.  I was going to talk about how we ended up IMing some people on Nexxus and building some bridges to hopefully hook up at some point in the not so distant future.  It was fun.  It was sexy.  And it inevitably ended with us having hours of passionate sex in our bedroom.

Ah, yes.  And then came Monday. 

Like most of the south, we were covered under a blanket of snow.  And the world shut down.  That's what happens in the south.  Two or more inches of snow and life grinds to a halt.  So, I was out of work.  And I like being home with him...mostly.

Well, we had our provisions, some food, liquor, and movies.  We were settling in for the night when all hell broke loose.  And by that, of course, I mean that I went ballistic when I discovered that he was texting that chick again.  Hadn't he just promised on New Year's Eve that they were never going to interact again?  Hadn't we agreed that pretty much anyone we had slept with previously was not going to be part of our relationship?

Oh, well, he took it all back.  They were JUST FRIENDS and they were going to stay friends.  I could like it or not.  And what did that mean?  Well, for me, it means that I am supposed to deal with him seeing her and talking to her on the phone and texting her.  And I'm not sure I can deal with that.

I'm not sure because she was all over him in front of me at our house while we were living together and he did nothing to stop her.  He didn't even stop her when she kissed him.  And I let her leave completely intact and unscathed because I have a  little thing I like to call...class.  It's something she lacks completely.

And I'm not sure because he claims she's not a threat, but uses her as a threat against me.  As in...I'm leaving and I'm going to stay with HER. favorite from the other night...if you do that, I'll go fuck HER tomorrow while you are at work.

Right.  So, naturally, I'm overreacting.  And they are in such cahoots right now over it that I'm being made to feel like the outsider, the bitch who is trying to keep him from his friend of ten years.  (Oh, make that his friend with benefits of ten years.)  No, I'm not handling this well.

I love this man with all my heart.  All of it.  It's his.  And he should take better care of it.  Only he's not.  And he's acting like I'm wrong.  And I'm not.  I'm hurt.  And I'm scared.  And I feel like he's crossed a line, broken a  trust.  And I don't know if I can stay.  I don't know if I can live like that.  Only at the same time, I don't know if I can live without him.  I've loved him for so long.

Even when we've been apart, we haven't been far apart.  And even when I tried dating other men, I couldn't because I never managed to let him go.  So, I worry what will become of me.  Will I settle and become someone I don't recognize because I'm trying to stay in a situation that will never be what it should be?  Or will I move on and have one of those half lives where I'm alive but not really living? 

Such sunny prospects, huh?

Think of me.  And if you have any useful advice or have survived a similar situation...chime in, please.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It was the age of disappointment

Once again...nothing happened.

Oh, I had high hopes, but no one follows through on Craigslist.  So, the chicks who contacted me repeatedly never followed through.  The couple that contacted us never followed through (and they were from Nexxus.)  And the date for Saturday was a bust.

In desperation, we popped one of those "Right now tonight" ads up.  The results were interesting.  Despite stating that we were looking for a couple with a preferably bi-chick, our first response was from a bi...guy.

That's a negative.  No way.  No how.  (Although he was good looking...)

And the next response was from a Latino couple that wrote in such broken English that we were both completely turned off.  They weren't the hot Latinos, either.  Too bad.  I love me some accents.

Our third response was from a couple that lived at least an hour away.  She was cute.  He was a mammoth...former football player.  He could have crushed me like a bug.  And after the weekend before.  Nope.

Finally, we suffered through one more response before we took down the ad.  It was another single guy.  He was in his mid-twenties and hot.  He wasn't bi.  And my man wasn't going to share.

What to do.  What to do.  What to do.

So we turned to Club Nexxus.  Again.

me: After the last two weekends, I need to be happy.  I need to have some fun.  I need a good weekend.

He understood.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's raining women


I placed the ad after talking about it, but not exactly with his help one day at work on a whim.  I was feeling ookie about the entire swap and I needed some happy.  He said he wanted me to experience a woman and that he would sit out, so, that’s pretty much what I advertised for on Craigslist.

And within the first hour, I had four responses; within the next twenty-four hours, I had double that.  Still, the responses trickle in.
Some of them were really promising.  Admittedly it bothered me a bit to hear him say that any one in particular stood out.  And it surprised me to discover that I was actually a bit excited at the prospects.  See, I remember the look on his face at the beginning of the swap, during the game.  I remember how excited he was to see me with a woman at all.  And I want to see that look again.

So, I may have plans with one chick at noon on Saturday.  We’ll see.  There’s one that I’d really like to meet up with that hasn’t responded to my latest email where we were trying to set a time.  And a woman that we contacted a long time ago from Rudester just emailed that she wants to play.

So, yeah.  It’s raining women.

Oh, and it’s raining couples, too. 

We placed an ad on the Nexxus board last Sunday…before all hell broke loose.  And the perfect couple responded.  They are looking for a little girl on girl action, no swap, same room sex.  Sweet!  I can so work with that. 

But my man has his concerns.
He worries that having another man around will be a problem.  Right.  I think the problem was his interaction with the woman.  And yet I seem to have convinced him that this could be the perfect couple to play with.  We’ll talk to them soon to make plans.

I need a happy weekend.  The last two have really brought me down.  Between the threatened break up and the bad swap, I need a lot of happy memories to wipe out all the badness.  

Wish me well.  And wish me lots of amazing sex, including my first girl on girl experience.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Lexi looks for a lady

He wanted me to find a girl.  He wanted that experience for me.  And he offered to only watch.  Hell, he even offered to let me go off and meet someone.

I couldn't do it.  It felt like cheating.  If he wasn't there and with me, even if only watching, I would feel dirty.  I would never enjoy it.  I would never be comfortable.

And I really needed to be comfortable, since I was trying to venture so far from my comfort zone.

Only there are some things that I have noticed about getting involved in the lifestyle.  The longer we are involved, the less out of the norm things seem.  Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  And the more involved we get, the closer we become because we have no one else to talk to about what we're doing.

Who could we talk to?  Who would understand?  They'd all judge us.  They'd all ask prying questions.  And there are some things I just don't want to share.  (Like my man's penis in another woman's vagina.)

So, I placed an ad.  It was pretty straightforward.  I explained that we'd had our first foursome and that I had missed out on the whole girl on girl experience.  I wanted to try it.  And I wanted my man to be able to watch.

The responses rolled in.  We discussed each possibility.  And we began to answer their replies.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fixing things

We had to do something to recover from that stupid foursome with full swap sex.  We had to figure out how to reconnect, hold it together.  Oh, that's what he kept reminding me.

What happened there didn't matter.  We were still together.

Only the problem was that at the moment, I could see our future.  I could see the downward spiral.  I knew that if we couldn't find our way through this, the distance would grow.  I could see where I wouldn't want him to touch me any more because every time he did, I could see her riding him.  I could see him reaching up to grab her boobs.  I could see the look on his face.  I could see her pulling the condom off him and sucking on him until he came.  And even though she didn't swallow, their rule, I felt completely destroyed over it.

And I had to find a way through it.  I had to find a way past it.  If not, we were doomed.

That's why we talked.  We talked even after we said we weren't going to discuss it any more.  And he did what I needed him to do.  He thought about it without me even saying what I wanted so desperately to say.  I was afraid of admitting to him how much the experience hurt me because I didn't want to hurt him.  Funny, huh?  I wanted to protect him from the hurt he inflicted on me.

I came home from work and he explained that he had thought it through.  He had turned to her and been into her because watching me with the husband was too painful.  Watching him in me, seeing me closing off, hurt him.  He wanted to stop, but he didn't know how and he didn't know what to do.  And it was his coping mechanism.  It was a lousy coping mechanism.

Then he told me how important it was to him that I have a good experience.  He needed for me to be with a girl so that I could get the full experience.  He wanted me to see what I had missed out on.  And so he wanted me to find a woman to be with.  He wouldn't be involved.  He'd like to watch.  And in a perfect situation, he'd like to be with me.

So, I turned to my fickle friend: Craig.  I placed another ad.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Lesson #5: Always keep your word

So he took me home to make me forget.  We went straight through the front door to the bedroom, locking up for the night along the way.  He undressed quickly.  In undressed even quicker.

man: Let's put on a porn.

me: No.  Just me.  Only me tonight.  I need it to be just me.

Soon we were going at it.  He gave me the top.  He licked and sucked on my boobs.  He ate me out.  He did everything he should have done with me and been doing to me.  He was loving and passionate and perfect.

And every time I asked, he told me.

me: Tell me what I need to hear.

man: I love you.

He proved it.  Again and again.

We fell asleep naked together.  We woke in the middle of the night to go at it again.  Our appetites were insatiable.  And as along as I was near him, I felt better.

Only...I had to go to work. And he was nowhere near me.  Nope.  Not even close.  And not for a whole lot of hours.

By the time I returned home, I was wrecked.  I needed more reassurance.  And I hate feeling needy.

Why did he have to get so into her?  Why did he have to forget all about me?  Why couldn't he have rescued me sooner?

It was torture.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Lesson #4: Safe words

Finally he saw how unhappy I was.  So, my man took one for the team...sort of.  He faked an orgasm and said he was done.

One done, all done.

That was their rule and though they looked incredibly disappointed, they followed it.  And it was over.  I have never dressed so fast or picked up so efficiently in all my life.  That's saying something.

We headed out to the car.  And as we walked he tried to talk to me.

man: Lexi?  Lexi say something.

me: Don't talk to me.

I needed time to collect myself.  I needed time to hash through it all.  And we did.  We talked the whole way home.  And we agreed on some key points.

We were never ever ever going to full swap again.  And he was going to follow through with my main sticking point, making stupid crazy mad passionate love to me at home so that I'd be reassured we were okay.

We stopped at a bar to get a night cap.  And I just wanted to go.  There were only chicks in there.  Chick behind the bar.  Chicks sitting at the bar.

In an effort to acquire our shots, he had to keep leaning over this one chick.  And she was smiling and chatting with him.  And I was completely over any female being near my man.  My jealous nature was in over-drive.  I very nearly lost it.

He pulled me to an out of the way table to sit and talk.

me: Why here?

man: I thought I might be getting yelled at.

I smiled.

me: You thought right.

And I finally was able to calmly explain why I was so very upset.  He never looked at me and told me he loved me.  He was way too into her.  It hurt.

Soon he was holding his head in shame.

man: Lexi, I am so sorry. I forgot.  She was so aggressive.  I just forgot.

me: Just take me home and make me forget.  I'll be fine.

man: Next time...we keep to our rules.  Next time...we have a safe word.

me: Ice cream.  Our safe ice cream.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Lesson #3: Stick to your rules

There's bending the rules and there's breaking the rules.  Oh, but we shattered ours.  And the consequences would be dire.  No doubt.

I am not the quiet, demure, passive type.  When I am wronged or hurt, I let him know.  I have cultivated looks that frighten strangers.  I have a razor sharp tongue and a rapier wit that I wield expertly.  Yes, I can channel my inner bitch when necessary.

And by the time we walked naked to the bedroom, I was already over the experience.  There were moments that were okay.  The husband really knew how to use his hands.  He was way gentler with my clit than my man was.  I had a momentary hope that I might get off.  Momentary.

Soon, my man had the two of us working his throbbing cock.  And he really liked it.  What man wouldn't?  It was one of his dreams.  So glad I could make that come true.  (Please note that was DRIPPING with sarcasm.) 

For a moment, he got that look in his eye, despite how well things were working out for him.  He saw the husband about to hit it from the back and he panicked.

man: You're wearing a condom, right?

(Finally!  A rule we followed!)

husband: Yeah.  We're the safest people you'll ever know.

Small consolation.  Smaller than his dick even.

And soon he was in me and my man had to up the ante so that he wasn't bothered by this other man in me.  Soon the wife was riding him.  And he was fondling her boobs.  And I was so fricken jealous.  That was my position.  That was what I did.  He was supposed to be fondling my boobs.  Instead, I was struggling to straddle this behemoth.  And I wasn't happy.

Within a few minutes, the wife had ripped off the condom and was sucking him off.  She had gotten off multiple times already.  Not surprised.  My man is good.  Dammit.

And it hurt watching someone else make him come.  Really it did.  Especially since I never did during the entire experience.

There was a moment where my man tried to get the husband to do me right.  There was a moment where he took over and did me himself.  The wife and husband played and sucked my boobs while that happened.  And I had an unwelcome cock shoved in my mouth.

Too soon that was over when the husband accused him of hogging me.  Great.  So my man shoved his cock in my mouth and started eating her out while the husband made his tiny thrusts into my vag.  And I was drying out fast.  Frickin latex.  Stupid bad sex.

I could hear my man getting ordered to put on ANOTHER condom and I lost it.  I punched him in the leg, which any other time would signal that he needed to stop.  Oh, but when four people are sharing a queen sized bed, that isn't how the gesture is read.  Dammit.

He did her doggy style.  And for a few minutes I thought so loud and angry in my head that I hated him that I almost thought he'd hear me.  Nope.  Too into the chick.

Another rule broken. 

And there were no 'I love yous.' 

And that broke my heart.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Lesson #2: Never settle

We arrived at the house within four minutes of our predicted time.  And that's rather impressive, given that I was driving and we ended up lost for a minute.  Oh, and there was a wrong turn that ended up being a short cut.  Damn, I'm good.

So, we were greeted at the door.  It never ceases to amaze me that people rarely look like their photos.  They are generally older and heavier.  At least that seems to be the trend.  And the husband was definitely heavier.  I'm talking the man was probably pushing 250lbs and was maybe 5'7".  Lucky me.

I try not to be too critical of weight, since I'm not perfect, but I'm also not obese, either.  In the south, the term is thick.  I am thick.  There.  I said it.

We started with hugs, which made me mildly uncomfortable.  At the same time, these people were going to be seeing us naked soon and much much more.  So hugs...made sense.  And I tamped down my discomfort with seeing my man hug this other woman.  If I couldn't take that, I was really in trouble.

Soon we were drinking and talking about sex.  We discussed our sexual experiences, our sexual preferences, and of course: our rules.  Well, since my biggest rule was that he wouldn't be in another woman, we were already off to a lousy start knowing this was full swap.  Our other rules included that there be no kissing.  I had to draw the intimacy line somewhere.  And my man was in complete vehement agreement.  Also, I didn't want anyone else going down on me.  There's something about opening wide for someone's tongue.  Ummm, no thank you.

After the drinks kicked in, we played Body Bingo.  I love that game.  We brought it, thinking it would make a lovely ice breaker.  It was.  Although soon it was obvious the game was rigged and that people were just doing what they wanted.  Every one of them managed to lick and suck my nipples.  Not so bad.  I knew that watching a woman suck on me was a huge turn on for him.

Not as much of a turn on was me watching her go down on him for several minutes.  Still, I smiled and powered through while she worked his raging hard on.  Oh, and he was hard.

I stuck through giving the husband his turn in my mouth.  He was small.  So very small.  So much smaller than my man.  Dammit.  I was really not making out well in this.

The worse part was coming out of the bathroom to find my man eating her out in the middle of the living room.  He was on his knees and she was straddling his face.  And I just wanted to go right then.

We had talked before we left.  We talked all through the drive.  And he promised me that I would never doubt that I was the most important person in the room.  He promised me that he would mouth 'I love you' all the time.  He was already failing miserably.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Lesson #1: Go with your gut

So, we've been working on having a threesome for a while now.  And after a while, we get burned out on trying.  Thus, we may have been overly anxious to simply get it over with.

When you go into it with that kind of attitude, you are bound to be disappointed.  Seriously.  Thus, the title of the post.  Go with your gut.

We responded to a few ads.  We posted a few ads.  We had some responses.  And somehow, we ended up going against pretty much all of our rules.  Oh, but that's more about tomorrow's post.  For now, let's focus on how it all began.

We found an ad that really spoke to us because it was from another couple that was equally frustrated with Craigslist.  People just don't follow through.  They get you all hot and bothered thinking something is going to happen, then major letdown.  Sometimes, the letdown is better than the alternative.

Remember that. 

There are things worse than disappointment, like living with the consequence of your actions.  Yeah.  That can be a lot worse.  So much worse.  Once things are done or seen, they can't be undone or unseen.

The couple wanted to meet up at their place.  Perfect.  The wife was bi.  Great.  They were our ages.  Sweet.  They weren't model perfect or looking for models.  Awesome.  And they were full swap only.  Crap.

We talked.  Could we handle it?  And I didn't lie.  I didn't think I could.  I wasn't sure he could.  Oh, but the thrill of strange can cure a lot of issues...for him. 

It's different with me.  That's because everything is different with us.  I would have been able to do this without a second thought with the ex.  I wouldn't worry about ramifications to our relationship or cheapening what's between us.  It was already mostly over for many years.  With my man, everything is good and pure.  And I worried about how I would feel after seeing him in someone else.  It wasn't going to be hot as hell to me.  To me, the vag is sacred.

Still, we exchanged emails and pics and soon enough, we were in a car, headed across town to their place.  I was stone cold sober.  He had a few shots.  And as much as I tried to talk myself into it, I really wasn't.  I was being a team player because I love him so very much. 

And I'm silly and sentimental to believe that love can conquer all.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

On the road to recovery: we made it

It's funny that something so small could make me feel so much better.  I was the only girl he had been with on the pool table.  It meant something. 

See, one night he had asked me about the bed, why I wanted a new one so badly.  He rather liked that bed.  Had the conditions been different, I would have, too.  Only, I knew he had been with a string of women on that bed before me and after me.  We had a couple of breaks over the last nearly three years.

me: I want a bed with less mileage.  Only our mileage.

man: It's not that bad.

me: I bet I can name a half dozen women you've screwed in our bed.

man: I bet you can't.

He was right.  I didn't name six, I named eight.  Eight women, even after he dismissed one citing that they hadn't made it to the bed.  They had done it on the floor.  Small consolation.

And so I won.  Only, did I really win anything being right?  I didn't feel better being right.  Right about him being a man whore sucked.  Right about who's bed bugs I'm sleeping with sucked. 

Mostly, I try to forget.  I forget for my sanity and for the sake of our relationship.  I forget because I want us to have the big future we dream of and plan and imagine.

So, I called him out on having sex without me.  My theory was that if he had waited, we could have been together and he could have completed his list.

man: How did you know?

Well, I went through the list of tells, right down to the toy dripping water in our chest.  He was...impressed.  I think.

man: But I wanted to try it out.

me: Okay.  But you tried it out without me the day after it arrived.  And then you tried it out with me that night.  At some point, you are going to have to accept that now you are simply using it.  You are well past trying.

He laughed.  I made a valid point.

Later, he came over to me as I worked on the computer.

man: I have to complete my list.  Let's pull out a porn and try some of the toys that we haven't tried yet.

I smiled.  He had hooked up our new DVD player I surprised him with at Christmas.  I was tired of us toting the BluRay around the house. 

We started to get a little sexy together only he was so very sleepy that he couldn't even get it up.  I didn't want to pressure him, so we simply spooned.  And that's when it happened.

The movie was off.  Regular television was on.  He was playing with my nipples.

man: Do you like this or this better?

He was constantly honing his skills to my preferences.  And I loved that.

I could feel him growing hard against my butt.  I reached in between my legs so that he was nestled against my opening.  Playing with myself, I shared the wetness with him.  Soon, his breathing changed.  He was pressing against me, moving inside me.  His eyes were wide.

man: I didn't think I could tonight.

I smiled.  I have my ways.

Soon he was licking and kissing and suckling.  Soon I was riding him the way we both liked it.  He had trouble concentrating on what he was doing with my boobs.  And then, it happened.

man: You came.  I love feeling you clench around me.

It was a good one.  It was just what I needed to feel better about us.  We are recovering nicely.