Saturday, January 8, 2011
What happened there didn't matter. We were still together.
Only the problem was that at the moment, I could see our future. I could see the downward spiral. I knew that if we couldn't find our way through this, the distance would grow. I could see where I wouldn't want him to touch me any more because every time he did, I could see her riding him. I could see him reaching up to grab her boobs. I could see the look on his face. I could see her pulling the condom off him and sucking on him until he came. And even though she didn't swallow, their rule, I felt completely destroyed over it.
And I had to find a way through it. I had to find a way past it. If not, we were doomed.
That's why we talked. We talked even after we said we weren't going to discuss it any more. And he did what I needed him to do. He thought about it without me even saying what I wanted so desperately to say. I was afraid of admitting to him how much the experience hurt me because I didn't want to hurt him. Funny, huh? I wanted to protect him from the hurt he inflicted on me.
I came home from work and he explained that he had thought it through. He had turned to her and been into her because watching me with the husband was too painful. Watching him in me, seeing me closing off, hurt him. He wanted to stop, but he didn't know how and he didn't know what to do. And it was his coping mechanism. It was a lousy coping mechanism.
Then he told me how important it was to him that I have a good experience. He needed for me to be with a girl so that I could get the full experience. He wanted me to see what I had missed out on. And so he wanted me to find a woman to be with. He wouldn't be involved. He'd like to watch. And in a perfect situation, he'd like to be with me.
So, I turned to my fickle friend: Craig. I placed another ad.