It's been a while

I haven't written on this blog in months.  And I was kind of surprised when I peeked in to see what was happening.  I haven't even checked the email.

Yes, I've been on hiatus.

We have had our ups and downs.

And I'd needed to have some time to myself to sort it all out.

My man cheated.  Correction.  He tried to cheat.  It was a fuck buddy he'd had for years.  And I was devastated.  He was pleased with himself.  He hadn't been able to get it up, so in his mind...not a cheat.  That she spent FOREVER blowing him and trying to get him ready...didn't count.

Only I was pretty sure it would have counted if it had been the other way around.  And I didn't know how to get past it.  I didn't know how to get through this.  I didn't even want to be with him anymore at that point.  Forget about all our hopes and dreams.  It was too much.

We split up.  He went to stay with his father.  I was going to stay at the house until my tax return would afford me more options.  After a few days he came back. He missed his things.  And in reality, he missed me.  I knew it.  Still it wasn't enough.

We talked.  We always had that going for us.  Only I couldn't handle being with him.  I couldn't handle the life he seemed to want.

All I ever wanted was to be enough.  I wanted to be the only woman he wanted and loved.  I wanted to be it for him.  In my mind...I wasn't.

He had to convince me otherwise.  He tried.  Really hard.  I would try to come around a little.  There were conditions.  I had to know that the other girls were gone.  I had to be enough.

We're healing.  We're getting there.  Our sex life needs work.  It was best when we were going through our sexploration.  Now, however, he is so focused on getting ahead and making money that we don't connect the same way we have in the past.

And I realized that I am different for him.  Sex isn't a big deal to him.  It isn't deep and meaningful.  For him, the closeness he has with me, being able to hold me, the way he kisses me, that matters.  So, I shouldn't complain.  But sometimes I do.  I want it all.

I want marriage.  I want our baby.  I want an incredible sex life and a forever relationship. 

We're getting closer...

Fixing things

We had to do something to recover from that stupid foursome with full swap sex.  We had to figure out how to reconnect, hold it together.  Oh, that's what he kept reminding me.

What happened there didn't matter.  We were still together.

Only the problem was that at the moment, I could see our future.  I could see the downward spiral.  I knew that if we couldn't find our way through this, the distance would grow.  I could see where I wouldn't want him to touch me any more because every time he did, I could see her riding him.  I could see him reaching up to grab her boobs.  I could see the look on his face.  I could see her pulling the condom off him and sucking on him until he came.  And even though she didn't swallow, their rule, I felt completely destroyed over it.

And I had to find a way through it.  I had to find a way past it.  If not, we were doomed.

That's why we talked.  We talked even after we said we weren't going to discuss it any more.  And he did what I needed him to do.  He thought about it without me even saying what I wanted so desperately to say.  I was afraid of admitting to him how much the experience hurt me because I didn't want to hurt him.  Funny, huh?  I wanted to protect him from the hurt he inflicted on me.

I came home from work and he explained that he had thought it through.  He had turned to her and been into her because watching me with the husband was too painful.  Watching him in me, seeing me closing off, hurt him.  He wanted to stop, but he didn't know how and he didn't know what to do.  And it was his coping mechanism.  It was a lousy coping mechanism.

Then he told me how important it was to him that I have a good experience.  He needed for me to be with a girl so that I could get the full experience.  He wanted me to see what I had missed out on.  And so he wanted me to find a woman to be with.  He wouldn't be involved.  He'd like to watch.  And in a perfect situation, he'd like to be with me.

So, I turned to my fickle friend: Craig.  I placed another ad.

My dark past

In my first marriage, we lacked so much.  He wasn't faithful, for one thing.  The result was that I was a little more adventurous than I might have been.

We ended up finding a couple that we spent a great deal of time with.  The ex had a bit of a fixation on the wife.  And the husband had a thing for me.

Okay, the husband had such a huge thing for me that he considered, and even asked me, to leave our respective spouses and be together.  Ummm.  That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  I'm not really a home wrecker.  And while I was unhappy, rightfully so, I didn't think he really was.

I was new and different.  I was a toy he'd never had before.  He had been with his wife since they were teenagers.  She was the only woman he'd ever been with.  And I didn't see us being something permanent.  And I didn't want us to be something permanent.  I was friends with both of them.

Why do I bring all of this up now?  Well, it's something that has been on my mind ever since we have discussed having threesomes, bringing in other couples.  I guess in the back of my mind, I can't help but remember that in my past, there have been times that I have tried similar experiences with disastrous results.

I'm no longer married.  That had less to do with those particular experiences and more to do with our incompatibilities finally catching up with us.  And we never swapped with this other couple.  The closest we came was sex in the same hot tub.

Still, I would be crazy not to consider the ramifications before I jumped into another potentially relationship damaging situation.  And so I wonder over all the ways to relationship proof our relationship.  I wonder over the steps to take to ensure that we are always happy and good together.

And I'm realizing that it should probably have started with me not cursing him out a few minutes ago for turning on the light when I was trying to sleep.  And I probably also shouldn't have matched him insult for insult after that.  And I know that I'm better than that, that we're better than that.  We are.  At the same time, his recovery days kill us.  That first day where he stops drinking cold turkey about kills me.  He's mean and distant.  And I know that it is simply a result of being hung over.  And I know that in a few days he'll be fine, mine all over again, but still, I have trouble accepting the distance.

I miss him.  And I want to make sure that the missing him is always a temporary condition.  And that's why I'm so excited about the woman who finally contacted us.