Getting your freak on with foreign objects

I don't understand it.  And this is coming from the woman who owns a dildo, a crystal dildo, an array of vibes, a vibrator, and a bullet.  Please note, when I refer to foreign objects, I don't mean those.

Instead, I am referring to things like gerbils or bottles or brushes.

We have an account on Rudester.  After browsing through pictures on there, we located one woman with a penchant for sticking bizarre foreign objects in her pussy.  The list is impressive.  Ready?

• broom handle
• champagne bottle
• beer bottle
• light saber (which means there's a kid somewhere playing with it!  Ewwww!)
• vacuum handle

All I know is that I'll stick to my Adam and Eve products.  They seem...safer and sanitary.  They are shatter proof.  No kid will ever play with them.  They don't double as a cleaning product.

Somehow, I don't think this makes me dull and boring.  Nope.  I think it makes me sane and hygienic.  I have way more respect for my vag than to do anything to jeopardize it.  And I'm good with that.

A toy with potential

We looked at it.  We added the required batteries.  We gave it a teeny tiney test drive.

 

Now, it’s time to get serious.

Oh, but here’s what we discovered during the test drive.

• The bullet vibrates like crazy. 
• We love the remote…that he controls.
• Having it on a leash means so much more potential.  He can pull it in and out.  In and out.  Well, you get the idea.
• Using the leash, the bullet can be dangled and dragged over some highly sensitive areas with pleasant results.  (A happy clit is a good clit.)
• With the bullet on the leash, there’s still room for him.  Then we can both enjoy the good, good, good, good vibrations!  (Not sure that’s what the Beach Boys had in mind.  Oh, but it is on my mind.)

 

And so I’m eager to go butt crazy wild with that thing.  We are gonna have so much fun.  I’m thinking multiple orgasms. 

Go get you one…  (A bullet and an orgasm, of course.)

 

The fun has arrived!

And he's not in a very fun mood.

How do I know?

Well, I texted him a picture of all the new toys and movies.  He didn't even respond.  And when he came home, he set his water jug right next to all the new toys.  And he didn't even notice.

me: Okay, I guess I'll put our new toys away in the chest...

man: What toys?  Oh, they came.  Where are they?

So, I walked him, rather indulgently, into the kitchen where I had them all displayed.  He opened some of the packages.  And he looked at everything.  And he didn't seem interested.

Oh, well.  Apparently we're not going to have the sexcapade I had envisioned.  *sniffle  sniffle*  I had been picturing it for so long.  He had seemed pretty intrigued, too.

Needless to say, I will have to tell you some other time about how we liked the new vibrating cock ring.  It's his first.  And I'll have to tell you later about the new warming lube, the new masturbator, the new movies, my first remote controlled bullet, and all the other goodies they crammed into our mailbox.

Again, I expect I will have nothing but lovely things to say about Adam & Eve.  They spoil me.  It should be illegal to get so much great stuff for so little money.  Check them out.  You won't be disappointed.

Our package arrived!

After we had spent the weekend at home, locked in, going at it like rabbits, we were mourning our limited toy collection.  On top of that, we were desperate for our new toys to arrive.  New toys!  New movies!  Yay!

Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and found THE BOX in front of the house.  Oh, yes.  And he was napping, almost as though he was resting up for my arrival.  He had to.  All I did was wear him out the next hour.

He was like a kid at Christmas.

man: Okay.  Where is it?  Let me see it.

For someone who had never really wanted a sex toy before, he was very enthusiastic.  Incredibly enthusiastic.  And he made that newbie mistake.  He tried to ram the Pink Pussy Lips Masturbator onto his already throbbing penis without lube.  Yup.

me: Wait.  Let me grab the lube.

For some reason he has a real hang up about lube.  He takes it as a personal affront if I ever ask for any.  He makes me crazy wet, but I'm only human.  And when we go at it for hours and days at a time, I start to dry up.  Hell, these days, I'm practically dehydrated.  So, we're going through some lube.

Here's an insider stock tip for you: invest in KY because we sure are going to be buying it up like crazy.  Oh, and the warming is my favorite.

I pulled out the lube and wet the lip entrance.  He slid it easily onto his cock and started to use it.  I love watching him masturbate.  It shows an incredible amount of trust and it makes me really horny.  Ladies, you can learn a lot about what a man likes just from watching him work his business.  (I'm just full of tips today.)

Well, the masturbator is a hit.  No, make that a huge hit.  We used it three times.  I helped about one and a half times.  The clean up is easy.  It's far superior to his hand, which sometimes can be a bit rough on the penis.  And with the added KY warming lube: perfect!

I can't say enough nice things about Adam and Eve.  Check them out.  Register as a user if you haven't previously.  They have offers all the time.  Good offers.  Lots of free stuff.  We managed to get four movies, the masturbator, some arousal gel samples, a mini silver vibe with different heads, and my crystal dildo for under $30 including shipping and handling.

And, on a side note, while placing the order I thought the website wasn't crediting me for the free stuff, so I called the toll free number.  The man on the line was super helpful and patient.  (I was an online adult shopping virgin.)  I was wrong, the website was right, and all was well with the world.

We'll be using them again.  And again.  We're just watching for the right offer.

Welcome to Rudester

We had some fifty pictures to choose from as we made our first profile.  We picked Rudester.  It's the Facebook for people looking for sex.  And the profiles were free.

Free is. good. There are enough other places for our money to be spent.  We have adult movies to buy and sex toys and games to purchase.  We don't need to waste money finding someone to have a threesome with.

So we created a profile.  We put pictures of both of us on there.  We made two albums, one public and one private.  (One to wet your appetite, one to keep you coming back for more.)

And then we did an advanced search.  We were looking for a woman who was interested in a threesome, some nice bi-sexual female.  How hard could it be?

Well, so far, we have had single men from all over the world wanting to friend us.  Are they not reading what we are looking for, or are they simply distracted by the lovely profile picture of my boobs?  I'm guessing it is the latter.

Those friend requests we have ignored.  There have been others.  We have friended some nice COUPLES from all over the world.  And we're hoping that one of the messages we have sent will pay off.

To quote my man: You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to find some horny bitch.

Luckily, we have some toys and games to play with while we wait.  What a lovely way to pass the time.

Letting loose

This is an experience for both of us.

While I grew up in a highly religious family and wondered how we ever came to be.  (Not a lot of affection between the parents.)  It was a wonder that I allowed myself to become as sexual a being as I am.  I feared porn.  I thought it was dirty.  I didn't know how to be sexy.  It was all about exploration, trial and error.

He, on the other hand, was all about sex and sexploration, as it were.  He tried most everything.  He now explains that he tried previously to have threesomes, but never really sealed the deal.  He was, however, naked in the same room as two chicks before.  Yeah.  Not the same.  Clearly, I was way more adventurous.

And there's something else about me.  It's something he likes and yet is slightly intimidated by.  I press forward.  I get it done.  When I set my mind to something, I just do it.  And that's what was happening with our sex life.  We were just pressing forward.

We were trying toys.  We became fans of Adam and Eve.  I offered up that we should get a DVD player for the bedroom, keep our own videos rather than waste money buying on the television.  He balked, but quickly came around.  I wanted some new toys.  All I had was a dildo and a vibrator.  And the vibrator needed batteries.  I had lost some other toys in the divorce.  I missed my double dolphin cock ring.  A lot. 

So we placed our first order.  It came with three videos, a mini vibe, a tightening gel, a lube, and a pink pussy lips masturbator.  He swears he'll only use it with me.  We'll see.  I'm not worried.  I'm not missing him or missing out any more.  And once these new toys arrive, expect reviews.  Lots and lots of reviews.

Thinking threesome

Naturally, he thought the way to solve all of our problems was to invite another woman into our bed.  I thought that would create a whole new set of problems, since I didn't want to share my bed or my man.  So, I tried to figure out how this could possibly work.

And we found ourselves once again exploring the question of how two people who loved each other simply couldn't make it work.  There had to be a way around that.  There had to be a place to meet in the middle, a place where we could find happiness together without hurting one another.

The secret is always in balance, finding a way to stay true to yourself while bending some to the other person's needs.  This was what I knew: he was used to variety, lots of different women all the damn time before me.  He wanted to be faithful.  He didn't want to hide his interest in porn.  He wanted me forever, but he wanted some spice, too.

It became a question of what I could live with and what I couldn't live without.  I didn't want to be without him.  We would have to find a middle ground.  And that meant being open and honest and addressing some tough questions.

me: If we had a threesome, what would you want to do?

man: Everything.

And that's where we hit our first snafoo.  Remember: I don't like sharing.  It would be hard enough to watch him touching another woman in front of me.  It would be hard enough to have him be fondled and all that by another woman.

In the end, we came to a few agreements.  We set up our own ground rules.  We decided to explore this alternate lifestyle that could save our relationship.  Only there was so much more to it than that.

me: I don't want this new part of our lives to just be about another woman.  I want toys and games and fun and things that are just for us, too.

That's how I managed to entice a man who was once so against toys to suddenly see the fun and value in them.  It was all about baby steps.  I was meeting in the middle about threesomes, he was willing to explore the fun stuff I wanted to, as well.

It's all about negotiation knowing the boundaries, and trusting your partner to stick to the agreements.

Communication is key

When I felt things going south between, I wanted to run.  That's me.  That's what I do.  I avoid getting hurt by running.  It's the ultimate self-defense mechanism. 

He knew.  As much as he, too, was withdrawing, he felt my distance.  And he would call me out.

man: I don't want you to leave.  Stay.  Let's work through this.

Only I didn't know what the answer was.  I didn't know how to bridge the distance between us.  I didn't know how to reach him.  And so we turned to the one thing that had never failed us: our talks.

I had read tons of novels on relationships.  I thought I knew what to say.  Words rarely failed me.

me: What do you need from me to make this relationship work?  I don't want to leave you.

His response was one I never would have predicted.

man: I'm bored. 

He didn't have to explain bored to me.  We were in a rut in every aspect of our lives.  We were in jobs we hated.  We never had money to do anything or go anywhere.  We were struggling.  And that didn't make for a very strong sex drive.

me: I understand.  What would you like to do about it?

I saw this as my in to introduce toys to the relationship.  I saw this as a way for us to try new things.  And apparently so did he.

man: I think we should bring another girl in.  I want threesomes.

I could have gone my whole life without hearing that.  But when the words are spoken, they can't be undone.  And so they hung there in the air between us.  It felt like a knife through my heart. 

Still.  We had to talk about it.  He had the courage to share what he wanted, what he needed.  We had to address the giant neon pink elephant in the room.